New Year Resolutions

It’s resolution time and like many others I too have gone over a list (and checked it twice). I’ve given it some thought and have come up with the following New Year Resolutions. Hopefully these will fare better than previous resolutions.

1. To lose weight. (I know I say this every year) This year I am including the obligatory eating better and exercising more. I figure if I give it more detail I can accomplish it better.

2. To not be so emotional. This past year I have had a tendency to let things build up until I explode either with anger or with tears. So, I plan on using restraint and prayer and the old stand by of blowing up when no one is around.

3. To improve myself not only physically but mentally as well. I plan on reading more, learning more, and broadening my horizons.

4. To explore more. Not just my local surroundings but other places as well. Either through the internet, books or even visiting other places. There is more to life than my backyard.

5. To be more outgoing, social. I have a tendency to be very shy around new people. My plan is to go against my initial instincts of hiding and to be more open.

6. To complete a crochet/knit project a month. Yes that is one a month. This will help my procrastination.

7. To not let things stand in my way. I also have a tendency to let things go without a fight or with out an argument until it builds up. This will help the anger, I think. If I confront the situation or whatever when it occurs and to not let it stop me in what I want to do. I guess to be braver.

8. To be better with correspondence. I think about calling people or sending notes and because I don’t do it right away I tend to forget. So I plan to be better at that.

9. I plan not to be so worried about the future. By making better choices in the present I can achieve this. Not to be controlled or anxious about things that I can not control. I can not change the past and I can not control the future – I choose to trust. Philippians 4:19 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Matthew 6:34 – “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

10. To take more photographs. To stop and take that picture no matter where I am or what I am doing. Go with the first instinct. To try and get a picture published.

What are your resolutions for the new year?

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all of us, my dears.

And God Bless Us Everyone!

SOTT 27

Gary Varvel, Indiana -- The Indianapolis Star-News

Whispers

Well the whispers have begun again in our office. The managers are meeting and the tension in the office can be cut with a knife. They are meeting to cut more positions and to lay off more people. Within the last few days my manager has been meeting with our directors and things have been overheard. In all fairness I wish they would just close their doors but they don’t. It kind of makes you think that they don’t care who knows that they are meeting. There is just no empathy for the employees. Anyway, things have been overheard. Things like salary cuts and eliminating positions. Since our boss is the one that seems to be having the most meetings with the directors we are all very worried. Because of the fibro I can feel each and every muscle. Each muscle seems to shout out each concern.

So I was in my office and one of the recently laid off people came to see me. (She is working out the rest of the month). I am comforted at her look at the whole lay off situation. Her faith is very strong. She looks at it as a door closing and that God will open another. I sadly am having trouble looking at it that way. I am trying but emotionally I think I am very raw right now. I’m not so sure that if I were to be laid off I would be able to be as brave or even have that kind of faith.

Do I believe that God loves me? Absolutely. Do I believe that God wants what is best for me? Absolutely. Do I trust Him? Absolutely. I am letting the devil have victory by me stressing about this and beginning to panic? Unfortunately the answer is yes. Those whispers are stronger than the ones coming out of the managers office.

I have been reminded twice today to be strong and have faith. That All things are for His Glory. Now if only I could get that engraved into my little head. I am again reminded of my dream regarding putting on the Armor of God.

I am being tested and I do not think I am doing that well. I am averaging a D right now and what I really want is an A. All I can do is go back to the book and study.

The Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20)
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Recent Projects

Here are some recent projects that I have actually finished.

PixieDusted

If you have ever wondered what I look like after being pixiedusted. Ta Da! (No Comments!!!)

Hints

Ok, I can be stubborn and disagreeable (at times). I admit it. But wham did you have to slap me upside the head?

I had a stressful day yesterday, I am once again in fear of being laid off. I am not happy with my bosses who seem to be loving the fear and apprehension that they are creating with all of there budget questions. Not to mention lots of other things. If my hair is not turning gray then it is falling out. :-)

Anyway, I was VERY upset last night. I went to bed and had a dream of me in armor kneeling before someone on some steps (that's all I remember). I woke up right after that with a definite thought of "Put on the armor of God".

Now, in the past I have had other moments when I KNOW God spoke to me. Whether through a song or an event or something else. This definitely had that feel. So, when I got up, I went to my bible and looked in the concordance for armor. It gave me Ephesians 6:10-18 and Romans 13:12. I went to Romans 13 first and started to read from the beginning because I like context and lo and behold - there was the first slap.

Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to evil. Do you want to be unafraid of the authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same.

Ok, I got that hint. So I went on to Ephesians. And there was the other slap.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

I can almost hear the "Hint Hint Hint" echoing in my head. :-)

Thoughts

Do you have that certain someone that you tell everything to? Is there someone that you know that knows everything about you? Every deep secret, every thought?

I have people that know me very well. They can look at me and know I am upset, they can tell in my voice what might be going on. But, no they don't know me inside out. No one person knows all of me down to the bottom of my heart and certainly no one person knows all of my secrets. To go further I would say that no-one truly knows everyone inside and out. It might seem like that but I would say that no, not really. The reason I think that is because no-one can truly know all your heart and mind. Every thought, every feeling, every secret, every little bit of you, every minute of every day. And if you are honest with yourself you will agree with me.

Last night I was laying in bed, trying to go to sleep and I started to pray and talk with God and I realized that He knows me. Every part of me. Every thought. When I get annoyed by someone on the bus but don't say anything or act differently, He knows. When I get angry at something stupid and never mention it to anyone, He knows. He knows me when I am sad and what is bothering me before I even tell anyone and He knows even before I might realize what it is. Through the pretenses, throughout the day, He knows. There is not one part of me that I can hide.

And even though He knows, I can still go to Him and tell Him. No repercussions, no judgement, no attitude, nothing fake. He knows and still He listens. I can tell Him I am sad, worried, mad or whatever. That type of closeness and comfort can only come from being with Him. That relief of knowing that I can be myself, vent, cry and let it all out with out hurting someones feelings or burdening someone else. I don't have to explain, I can just let it out, everything. He knows.

And STILL HE loves me.

Psalm 44:21 (New International Version)
would not God have discovered it, since he knows the secrets of the heart?

Luke 12:6-7 (New International Version)
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

Consider

Your car is broke. Your job is in jeopardy. A loved one is ill. Your friend is mad at you. A co-worker does not like you and is spreading rumors and ill will. You can’t pay some of your bills. You may not be able to buy that present for your child for Christmas. Your in pain, your depressed. You are experiencing the deepest pit you have ever been in.

Consider this. Jesus died on the cross for you. He endured pain and agony. He was beaten. He was berated, dismissed and cursed. All for you. He was born so that he would die for us, for our sins. Because he loves us. We are his children.

Even in the rough times, the hard times, the unbearable times. Put this in your heart and remember.

Isaiah 40:28

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

Isaiah 40:29

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

Hebrews 2:18

Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

1 Peter 2:20-24

But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. "He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth." When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

And most important - John 3:16

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Happy Thanksgiving

Hooked

I’ve been crocheting for over 15 years and knitting less than a year and have completed many projects. Of course it has never been deadline driven and has been at my own pace. In September I began to crochet and knit scarves that I could sell. I have made 12 so far (sold two-thanks for asking). I also made 2 birthday gifts for co-workers. Right now I have plans to make a Vanderbilt blanket, a purple blanket, a shawl, 2 scarves, a sweater and a wrap. This list does not include all the other things that I would like to make.

Yes, I have patterns galore and maybe I need to put them together in a box or something so that they are not just around the house. And maybe I have some yarn leftovers that I should probably give away or something. Ok, maybe I have a lot of yarn.

But I can stop anytime. I don’t have to crochet or knit. I can do other things. It’s not like I have to crochet/knit when I’m watching TV or on the bus or at lunch. Really I can stop.

Ok, yes it is relaxing and I may even release some chemicals into my system that give me a quick high and yes maybe I do tend to have yarn on my mind a lot. But really I can quit anytime. I CAN sit in a chair for minutes and not do anything with my hands – really. Just because I pick up a hook and yarn whenever I am sitting does not really mean anything. Just because I put everything else on hold until I finish a row does not really mean anything.

Hey! Are you looking at my yarn? Are YOU looking at MY Yarn!? Back away slowly and no-one gets hurt. My yarn.

But seriously I can stop anytime…. Just not right now.

Habit: a constant, often unconscious inclination to perform an act acquired through its frequent repetition.

Addict: to devote or give (oneself) habitually or compulsively.

Ka Boom

Well the proverbial bomb has been dropped. This week the State of TN is having its budget hearings. Initially we were told by the Governor that we would have to cut 3% from our budget. The figures have been changed and now it looks like we are being asked to cut 13-15%. The highers up are figuring $300,000 for each %. So, if we are asked for the 15% then we have to cut $4,500,000. Yeah I choked on that too.

So, we had our department meeting yesterday and it of course was depressing. They will be cutting 5-6 jobs before June 30, 2009. They think probably starting in February since that is when the legislature will be back in session and they have to approve all of the budgets (and yes they may ask for more).

To say the least we are all stunned. In the scheme of things, 5-6 people is not a lot considering recent news and the fact that there are 96 people in our department (not counting judges or their staff). But still that thought of “It could be me” went through every ones mind. Well not everyone because you know the higher ups don’t have anything to worry about.

So I sit here, trying not think “What if it’s me”. But I just have to wonder “What if it’s me?”

Thematic Photo: Rows

Long Hunter State Park, Nashville, TN

The theme this week (I'm a little late) is rows. I was trying to come up with something spectacular this week. I had so many ideas and was really getting into it. Everywhere I've been going it seemed I had the theme in my head and was on the look out for that spectacular picture. I took quite a few and nothing seemed to really hit me. I downloaded some pics off of my camera this morning and Ta Da - there it was. The one I thought really caught the theme. Funny thing is I took it weeks ago.

http://writteninc.blogspot.com/2008/11/thematic-photographic-24-rows.html

Photo Choice "Oh"

Montgomery Bell State Park, TN

SOTT 26

I guess spelling is not as important as the gym floor

High School in Oakland, TN

Picture taken by Patrick Wesley

It's Over

Well, it's over. No longer will we have to listen to tv or radio ads. Those signs along side the road will be gone soon too. Was it worth all the hype? All the debate, all the controversy? No, not really. I am disappointed. If the elections were like slot machines I don't think we came off as winners. We are taking a gamble and only time will tell if it pays off.

I am kind of hoping for one of those "Pleasantly Surprised" moments. I want to think optimistically. But I am concerned. I wasn't entirely pleased with either candidate, but I agreed more with what McCain was saying than what Obama was saying. One issue is on abortion and there are several others. But that is all mute right now.

We have a new president. A man that comes off as a great speaker, down to earth and as someone that tries to understand the average person. I have to admit that even though I voted for McCain, I did seriously think about voting for Obama. In the debates and his speeches I was a impressed with him. He's got that something that kind of catches your attention. If not for some of our differences of opinions on some big matters I would have voted for him.

So, we have a new president. One that I hope puts people first above politics and does what is morally right, not what is "party" right. But again we will have to see. Americans voted and they voted for change. That saying "Beware what you wish for" comes to mind. Of course I take the stand that the hand of God is in everything - so I do have hope. This is part of "The Plan". What part I may never know, but I have faith in "The Plan". (side note - I'm not always happy with that plan though - just thought I'd share that little tidbit).

Anyway, many hopes are on the shoulder of this man. After the revelry, after the congratulations, I hope when he is alone he realizes this. I know he takes this seriously. I know he thinks he understands. Oh, but Lord I pray that he really gets it.

Dear reader, I urge you to pray every day for our country and our new president.

Thematic Photo: Night

Paris Landing State Park, Sept. 2008

http://writteninc.blogspot.com/2008/10/thematic-photographic-22-night.html#links

An American Blur

Memphis Zoo, Sept. 2008

http://writteninc.blogspot.com/2008/10/thematic-photographic-20-blur.html

Photo Choice "Just Hangin' Out"

Walden's Farm, Smyrna, TN

What I Want

Right now all I want it for people to take personal responsibility for their actions. I'm sorry for her pain - really. And yes the drive through worker should have affixed the lid more carefully. What about checking the lid as you receive it because we all know about the McDonalds lawsuit. $250,000 - C'mon!!!!! Can you say "Frivolous Lawsuit". I knew you could.

Knoxville News Sentinel
Woman sues Starbucks; says scalding coffee, unattached lid caused disfigurement
Jordan Triplett went for a morning pick-me-up from Starbucks and wound up with first-degree burns.

Now, she's suing the Seattle-based coffee house empire for $250,000 in a Knox County Circuit Court lawsuit that blames Triplett's burns on a barista's lid snafu.

"This case involved real and significant injuries, unlike other cases where individuals have sought compensation from similar vendors," attorney Gregory P. Isaacs said. A lawsuit over McDonald's coffee that burned a woman in the 1990s spurred national debate over the need for tort reform.

"It's significant to note Ms. Triplett attempted to resolve this in a reasonable fashion without litigation and received no response," Isaacs said.

A Starbucks representative did not immediately respond Friday to a request for comment.

The lawsuit alleges that the 23-year-old Triplett drove to a Starbucks on Kingston Pike on July 13 and bought coffee via the store's drive-through window. The lawsuit is silent on what Triplett ordered.

Whatever she ordered, she knew right away it was hot, the lawsuit states. There is your first clue to not sit it in your lap!

"She experienced extreme heat radiating through the cup and protective cardboard sleeve," Isaacs wrote. "(She) balanced the extremely hot cup of coffee on her thigh with her hand on top of the cup as she pulled away from the window and negotiated a turn onto the roadway." And to me that is all there is. Extreme heat radiating through the cup. Hint Hint Hint (get it off your leg). Since she apparently knew it was "extremely" hot then she should have put it into a cup holder. And of course no mention of the fact that she wasn't concentrating on her driving.

Once on Kingston Pike, Triplett noticed "the lid of the coffee container was loose and not affixed properly," the lawsuit states.

"Before Triplett could achieve a better grasp upon the cup, the lid dislodged from the cup, thereby causing scalding coffee to spill and splash onto (her) lap, right thigh and right hand," the lawsuit states. Should have taken care of that before she started to drive. Parking lot would have been a good place.

The coffee soaked through her denim jeans, causing her to cry out in severe pain, according to the lawsuit.

She drove to a nearby friend's house and disrobed.

"She discovered that she had severe blisters and burns on her hand, inner thigh and vaginal area," the lawsuit states. Through Jeans and underwear? Ok, so I'm a tad skeptical.

A doctor later classified the injuries as first- and second-degree burns, Isaacs wrote. She racked up hefty medical bills and suffered "severe and permanent injuries (and) cosmetic impairment, scarring and disfigurement" as a result of the burns, the lawsuit alleges.

"Triplett immediately contacted the Starbucks franchise where she purchased the scalding coffee to inform them of the incident and to request that the employees be more careful in attaching the lids to the container and monitor the temperature of the coffee," the lawsuit states. "The Starbucks agent was incredibly unresponsive."

She later filed a complaint with the firm's corporate headquarters that netted her a gift certificate offer instead of restitution for her medical bills, according to the lawsuit. So her medical bills for burns were $250,000. She saw lawsuit immediately and went to the doctor I bet. Regular people would have put burn cream on it and a large bandaid and moved on. Maybe even called in sick if the burn was bad enough. I wish I could be on that jury!!! I'd give her $20 bucks for cream and the bandaid.

Just Some Reminders

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Psalm 57: 1-2 (New King James)
"Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities have passed."


Psalm 23:1-6 (New International Version)
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Invisible Bumps

Have you ever been walking and just tripped? Nothing was there, you basically tripped on air. I just did it this morning as I was walking to the mailroom. Nothing there but me and my trippy little self.

It happens - I walk and I walk and then all of a sudden a stumble. Now sometimes there is something there - don't go thinking I'm a clutz (be nice Diana). But sometimes there doesn't seem to be anything there. Doesn't matter what shoes I'm wearing or where I'm walking. Sometimes I think air gets chunky in some places and you just trip - but that's another blog and another tangent.

Where am I going with this (Oh - I am going somewhere and here it is). Life is like that. Well my life anyway. I go walking along and then stumble. What keeps me from totally falling on my face or butt is my faith. I try very hard to keep God on that path so if I do stumble I have him there to catch me or set me right side up. For instance, I haven't been to church in awhile and I miss it. I miss the heartfelt singing, hearing the word and the fellowship. That is one of my bumps in the road right now. I don't have a reliable car to get me there and back. But I have been feeling so close to God lately that I know that he understands that I worship him wherever I am throughout the day. Home, work or bus.

Riding the bus has been one of my bumps too and yet has helped me spend more time with God. I could nap, crochet, read or do something else on the bus (and some days I do). But more often than not I can close my eyes and pray and just talk with God about life, family or whatever pops into my head (and if you know me then you know lots of things just pop in my head). Some days that is 2 hours of just quality time with God. It can be very freeing and sometimes it can be very emotional (wiping tears away on the bus is a little embarrassing-but when you gotta-you gotta). Lately, I've been looking at my being car-less as one of those lesson thingies that seem to come up every now and then. I figure when I learn whatever it is I am supposed to learn I will get my car back. So far I think I might need a tutor to help me with this lesson - cause to me it is taking FOREVER! But then again time is not the same for us and meanwhile I am spending time with God. Now why didn't I just do that when I drove? Well one, I really can't just close my eyes when I am driving and two I focused on listening to radio programs or music. On the bus I am sometimes forced into inactivity because we are just little blobs of humanness that are all stuck together in a cramped little space rolling down the road at about 50 mph (70 on the highway).

Basically riding the bus has made me take that time that I should have taken to begin with. Sometimes it takes a large smack to get my attention. Riding the bus I'm in a confined space and not much world to interfere. We've had some good talks, God and I. I'm glad he is a GREAT listener - because some days I can be very chatty.

SOTT 25

Nashville, TN

In the "It's going to get worse before it gets better" category

I work for the judicial branch of the government and we had our money talk this morning. We listened to a description of 3 years of fiscal budget depressive dialogue. Past - the executive branch has taken all of our reserve money for 07-08 which my understanding is about $20 million. We are expected to give $500,000 back for 08-09 and $1 million for 09-10. Ok, so what does that mean for the worker bees. Well hopefully it won't mean a loss of a job - but as of right now there are no promises. We have been told to cut back on purchases (which we had already started doing) and we are cutting back on travel. Not that we won't have to travel but we will have to carpool and make other sacrifices.

The article below mentions part of the states problem. Here's my question: How do you get $140 million dollars in debt. Why are you spending money that you don't have? Now I know a lot has to do with the fact that TN relies heavily on it's state tax. So when people stop buying then the revenue goes down. BUT, I also know that some of the bigger picture is the waste of things that government spends. Governors mansion comes to mind. The raises that judges received in the beginning of the year. The state cars that many judges and higher ups get and use.

One more thing... If one more person says "People just need to go out and buy. Cars, electronics, furniture, appliances then things will start getting better." I will personally haul off and hit them. And then when they are on the floor I will say "With What!?"

Anyway, that's my tangent.

********************************************************************************************************************

WPLN Nashville
State Will Pull from Rainy Day Fund
State finance officials believe they will have to tap the rainy day fund to get through this budget year.

Just two months into the fiscal year, departments have been asked to reduce spending by 106-million dollars. Finance Commissioner Dave Goetz.

“Now, that’s 106-million against what is already a 140-million dollar shortfall. So we know that’s not going to be sufficient, and we’re looking for other ways we can in fact keep expenditures down.”

Goetz says the shortfall could reach 600-million dollars by the end of the fiscal year. That shortfall is compared with revenue projections that were nearly flat compared to last year.

The rainy day fund has 750-million dollars in it. TennCare has its own reserves amounting to 550-million. Goetz says he expects to use money from both accounts to help pad the sharp loss in tax revenue.

4th Tag

Tagged! Post the 4th picture in your 4th picture folder. (O.k. - now these are just getting complicated)

This picture is from 2002 and is of Patrick being a flag barer - he looks so happy doesn't he. I think he is just concentrating - this was a practice for a presentation at church.

I tag Michael, Diana, George, and Lori.

Photo Choice "It's Monday"

Memphis Zoo

Bragging Rights

Forgive me while I brag on my son. He had an excellent day today. He got promoted in JROTC - he is now a cadet private and received his chevrons. He became squad leader of his row. He became squad leader of the freshman color guard team. AND aced his culinary arts test receiving an additional 75 points for extra credit answers.

High School is agreeing with him. Can I hear a Woo Hoo!!

Ok I'm done.

For now....

SOTT 24

Taken out of an e-mail sent to me from someone, not sure who right now. :-)

Photo Choice "Hangin On"

As you may already know - I love to take photo's. My camera would be permanantly attached if I could actually live that way. So I have decided to do a Photo Choice section - only rules are that it has to be one that I have taken. Here is the first:

Depression

It's hard to describe depression. Sometimes it is so heavy that you can't breath. Sometimes it just feels like something swirling around you. Other times it is just something in the back of your mind nagging at you.

I have depression. Looking back I can see certain periods in my life when it consumed me. I was still functioning and most people probably didn't notice because it was something I kept well hidden. Even from myself. I can look back and see those periods and recognize what it was. For example I can remember at least 2 occasions when I could not get to sleep unless the room was pitch black. I covered windows in several blankets and in one instance surrounded my bed totally in blankets as well. These seasons of depression did not last long and were the only sign at the time that I was depressed. During the day I don't remember being very different. I still functioned and life moved on.

Lately though I have noticed that it has been bad at times. Depression is like a very heavy blanket - kind of like those lead blankets that they use when you are having an x-ray. It weighs you down. Sometimes I notice the blanket and can function very well. I just ignore it. Those are the days when I have more will power I think and can force myself up and out. I can lift it off of me on my own. Other days I don't notice it as much and it weighs me down. It takes control and I seem to just be along for the ride. Depression is like a needy child. It always needs attention.

Lately it seems to be a daily thing though. Not just coming and going, but always there in my peripheral vision. A daily fight that sometimes I win and sometimes I don't. Some days it feels like a swirling mass inside of me and I can almost see the blackness surrounding me. It smothers me and makes it hard to breathe. Other days the swirling mass is still there but it is not so much a whirlpool as just a little flow or current.

This morning I woke up and it is lighter today. I don't know what is so different about today. Things seem brighter right now. It's a constant battle though. I can feel the depression sitting and waiting for an opening. I have to be vigilant on not just a daily basis but an hourly basis. If I let it get a grip it is hard for me to let it go. I have to keep my thoughts focused on not thinking about it, not letting anything add to the weight. If I give up an inch it starts to take control again. Problem is that sometimes I don't know that I am giving in and before I know it I have hit the bottom emotionally and all things seem lost. I sit there for awhile and then I start to climb out. Although lately it doesn't seem like I get totally out. I get away enough that things start getting better emotionally but I can still feel the weight wanting to pull me down.

It does almost seem to have its own being, its own existence. Like some phantom that always hangs around. It's a type of possession. Not other worldly. More like swimming. When your in the water and you decide to swim under the water. You hold your breath and go in. It feels just like that moment when you almost run out of air and you charge to the top and let that large breath of air out. That pressure that your lungs feel in wanting to breathe. That is depression.

I've tried some medicine that is for my fibromyaglia, because depression makes it worse, so the doctors have given me some medicine to handle both. One made me suicidal and the other made me loose a month and a half of my life. I have to go back to the doctor and see what else he has for me. That seems to be a gamble too. I need something that will give me my life back without all those nasty little side effects.

Stress

Stress is in the eye of the beholder. I have what can be considered by some people as a minimum amount of stress. Of course on my side of the fence it looks pretty rough to me. Bear with me as I complain for a paragraph or 2.

I do not have a car. It no worky. It is at the mechanics. I can't even afford to have it looked at. Thankfully he is a very nice man and is looking at it on his spare time. Of course this all happened after I spent $700 to get it fixed for something else. Anyway, bottom line is that I do not have a car. My husband's car is on it's last legs and actually has been for some time now. I really thought his would go first. Now thankfully I can take a bus into Nashville to get to my job. Of course the added stress of having to get up earlier to get in line for the bus as well as the stress of how am I going to get to the bus stop if his car dies too. Ok, so not having a car is something that I can live with - I mean I have to. But it adds that little bit of stress to my shoulders. Ok, so next we have the money problem. At least I don't have to pay for gas right? But that worrying about how to pay the bills and having enough to live on is another little stress adder to the shoulders. High prices of everything and not sure if we will have enough money to get through the rest of the month is just another other. Now it doesn't just end there - there is a whole lot more and I could probably go on a couple more paragraphs with my woes. Basically my mind set is "I know something else is going to happen, I just have to wait and POOF there it is."

Where am I going with all of these complaining? To this... The recent comments from people saying "The bite in these tough times ...". If I hear that one more time, especially from someone who doesn't understand what being bit means I think I am going to lose it. If your life is wonderful then I am very happy for you. If the economy situation is not hurting you then I am thankful. But I have to say I don't want to hear about how wonderful your life is and I don't want to hear how things are just unbelievably peachy for you. It is not that I don't care - to be honest I am happy for you. But I am also very sad for me. I am thankful, truly thankful that your life is going so well. But right now I have enough on my plate and I am having a tendency to be very selfish right now. Do I want your pity? No. Do I want your I'm so sorry's? No. Do I want to discuss how my life is sucking beyond recognition right now? No.

So what do I want? Heck if I know. Well other than a really good nap and the economy to get better, I don't know. Oh yeah, I guess I want my truck back and to have more money. So I guess I do know - well partially. Overall I want to feel less stressed. Even though compared to some I don't have it that bad.

So again, stress is in the eye of the beholder. I could have it worse. And believe me I am very thankful that I don't have it much worse. But for my mentality right now I think I have enough please.

SOTT 23

Clarksville, TN

So Proud

I've been quoted. I've made the big time!

http://wordlust.blogspot.com/2008_04_01_archive.html

Losing the marbles

Have you ever reached your limit? You know THE limit. The time when you knew that if anything else happened, you knew that was it, all bets would be off, people would need to hide and you would need a straight jacket after it was all over.

You know...When Wheel of Fortune episodes make you cry. When you consider your next conversation as an act of hostility. When eating your weight in chocolate sounds like a good idea. When you look at someone and all you can see is your thumb and pointer finger squishing their head. When all you want to do is stare at your ceiling fan and marvel that it goes round and round. When you wish you knew where all the weapons of mass destruction were. When you are considered a weapon of mass destruction.

C'mon. Only me?

Our Guests

We have had some guests for the last month. We found little momma and little girl about a month ago in the pool room of our apartment complex. The baby was only about 2 weeks old when we brought them home. They were both dehydrated and starving. Little momma must not have left her baby to seek food and water and so she was not able to feed the baby very much. I brought them home because I thought they were only going to stay for a little while. I am such a softy when it comes to animals. I wish I could have a safe farm where I could rescue animals. But I have a 3 bedroom apartment.

Anyway, I was under the impression that a neighbor was going to take the cats to a no-kill shelter a few weeks ago. A month has passed and they are still staying with us. Unfortunately little momma does not want to get along with all of the other cats. I am trying to find a home for both of them and it is so hard. Many people think cats are kind of a disposable pet. When they get inconvenient then they can just be released and put outside. There are so many animals at shelters that some are having to turn people away. Rutherford county has so many animals that they almost euthanize immediately because they can not find homes for all of the animals.

I have spent the better part of this morning trying to find a no-kill shelter that has available space. So far no luck. It is really tearing me up. I know they can't stay here even though I would love them to, maybe if they got along. But even then the money situation and having 5 cats in such a small apartment is not really helping them. Sometimes I really get angry at the world, at the people that are so insensitive and uncaring about animals.

Final Conference Happenings

Wednesday Recap:

After the uncomfortable luncheon speech we went out for a night out on the town. We met in the lobby of The Peabody. This hotel is so nice and has so much history that I could go on and on. But I won't - if your interested go to http://www.peabodymemphis.com/about_us/history.cfm

Anyway, we met in the lobby and then went out to eat at Rendezvous - a Memphis historic restaurant. Another place that has a lot of history. http://www.hogsfly.com/TheRestaurant.php or http://www.slate.com/id/2118542/entry/2118541/ I wasn't thrilled with the ribs or the food but you mileage may vary.

Then it was on to Friday's for dessert and some interesting conversation. ... It's amazing what you learn about people once they've had a couple of beers and their tongues become loose.

Then of course it was snooze time.

Thursday Recap:

More conference. Part of the conference are social events that the judges can sign up for. They could go off on their own, go golfing or to the Memphis Zoo. A staff member had to go to the zoo with them to get the tickets, lunch and make sure they get on the bus. (Cause you know we can't have judges running around all willy nilly). I got assigned to the zoo because I didn't want to lose 4 hours of pay because they got the afternoon off. So to the zoo I went.

After the zoo we went up to the hospitality suite to drop off some extra lunches and I finally got to see Elvis. Two of them to be exact. They were on their way to Graceland for the tour.

For dinner we went to Denny's. I love their clam chowder and we don't have a Denny's in Nashville. Did they have clam chowder? Of course not.

After that I was so worn out I went back to my room, called my family and then crashed.

Friday Recap:

Last day of conference. (Yeah!) If I had to stay another day I think I would have totally lost my mind. A week away from home after 3 days away from home at another conference was quite enough for me. Last day was uneventful, drive back was uneventful. Just the way I like to end a conference. Coming home and seeing my family, my cats and my wonderful comfy bed. I love my bed. I really think I could write poems about my wonderful, soft comfy bed.

Well that was my week in Memphis. Pics coming soon. As soon as I go to bed and then sleep late.

Conference Happenings 2

Wednesday was an interesting day. We had a speaker at the luncheon. His name is Peter Irons. Mr. Irons is considered an American political activist, civil rights attorney, legal scholar, and professor of political science. He was asked by one of the judges to come and speak. I found him to be very intelligent, well spoken and knowledgeable. However, and this is my opinion, I also found him to be a tiny bit evil. Now this is only based on me listening to his speech at lunch. What research I did online has him as being very well educated and highly recognized. However, I have to say my first thought was evil. Not just misled but promoting evil. I would like to do further research and I am thinking about going to the library to read one of his books to see whether or not I was just overreacting. His topics and books seem to be highly thought of and usually have to do with court cases dealing with the separation of church and state.

His speech too was regarding the separation of church and state. He mentioned that he was a card carrying member of the ACLU and mentioned several of his books. One of which is "God on Trial: Dispatches from America's Religious Battlefields". His main goal in my opinion was to have the judges remember that church and state need to be separate and this was the goal of the "framing forefathers". He mentioned that actually non-Christians are the ones that are in the majority and Christians tend to try and make things go there way without the consideration of other groups. He also mentioned that history proves this. Which in certain past events have been the truth - witch hunts and the inquisition come to mind. He does bring in both sides and tries to make statements that show that he is not choosing a side and yet I clearly felt that he was very against religion and more so Christianity. If I hadn't had to stay because of work I would have walked out.

After the lunch I really had him in my mind for the rest of the afternoon. I couldn't even make any comments because the people around me kept saying how highly he was thought of as a speaker. To my shame I wanted to say something and I didn't. I work with and for some people that are very anti-religion. So I said nothing.

Later that afternoon I got a close up with him as he picked up his speaking fee and gathered around the registration desk to have a mini-conversation with a few judges who think his way. I really felt this presence of him working for the devil and just doing the ground work. Smooth intelligent talker that is pretending to be fair to both sides and is yet promoting an underlying evil.

Again, if you have read his books or have heard him speak and you like other people think that he is wonderful, I say I'm sorry but I respectfully disagree. And since this is my blog and I am allowed to express my opinion, I thought I would.

Conference Happenings

I have to say conferences are hard when it comes to the socialization part. First I'm not the greatest person when it comes to conversation. Especially if I don't know you very well. I'm good if I have known you for awhile but I just get very self conscious and nervous around new people. Second I don't drink. It's a personal choice and kind of a long story. Third I don't know much about football, college or professional or apparently all things that are hip, cool or trendy.

So with those 3 things I'm a social misfit when it comes to conferences and the hospitality suite. I also don't fit in very well with my co-workers because they all are into football, all things trendy and all things alcoholic. Basically I feel like an Amish girl that just got dropped off at a fraternity/sorority during rush week.

Conferences are one of my biggest tests as a Christian. I'm a social non-alcoholic non-trendy outcast. But I'm saved. So I'm good.

On the Road Again

Well I'm on the road again. Actually I'm in a hotel room, but you get the idea. This time we are in Memphis. The home of the blues, Elvis, corrupt politicians and Beale Street. Not necessarily in that order.

Our conference is at The Peabody, home of the infamous ducks. I am staying next door at the DoubleTree. Why? Because it is WAY cheaper.

Tonight we are walking to Beale Street to have dinner. If I had enough guts I would take my camera - but I don't want it stolen or anything to happen to it. Ok, ok. Truth is I don't want to act like a tourist around my co-workers.

So here I go out on the town in Memphis. If I'm not blogging tomorrow send a search party. :-)

Whirlwind

I have started my whirlwind of activities again at work. I am so charged and to be honest I think I am bouncing off walls and acting like speedy gonzalez. At least it feels like that. This week once again I am at Paris Landing State Park for a conference. So that is what this post is mainly concerned about.

So that I have stayed in many different hotels for this job and to be honest state park inns do not rank really high. It is a lovely park and right on the water. They have a beautiful rose garden that is right next to the pool. However room wise I think some funding should be sent their way. A lot of it has to do with being spoiled. I don't mean to sound like I am complaining. I have a king size bed, cable tv, a nice view of the lake and pool and the people are very nice. But, I have no cell phone service. The hotel and the conference center are dead zones. You actually have to walk up a small hill to get service. There is no internet in the rooms. The only place that has internet access is the Lobby and the conference rooms. I am here in the lobby, which has very nice couches and box chairs to sit in. They also have a large screen tv, which to my regret is playing the presidential forum on Fox News. Tangent: Isn't that considered an oxymoron - it contradicts each other - Fox and News. Anyway, I would rather be watching something full of fluff - something where brain cells can take a vacation.

We just finished having a fish fry out at a large pavilion right on the lake. I had a good attendance, around 90 people showed. We had fried catfish, which at a state park seems to be mandatory, clam strips, white beans, coleslaw, potato salad and more importantly cherry & peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream. I could have done without the mosquitoes but I guess they have to eat too.

Tomorrow is our last day of conference and hopefully there will be no more snags. Every conference seems to have it's own little issue. When I was in Gatlinburg in June it was not having A/C, this conference has been a speaker canceling 2 hours before she was supposed to speak and some things that I asked to be done and weren't. But in the scheme of things All is good.

Well, that is my boring conference life so far or at the very least all I can remember right now. I'm tired so I can't be held accountable for my memory.

Next week Memphis..... Ooooooooooo

Interesting Article

This is an interesting article regarding Sarah Palin and being a working mother. I'm not saying anything more on that subject I think I made my position perfectly clear. :-)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26645070

Politics & the Media

Raise your hand if you wish the elections were over. Yeah me too. I am so over listening to the media try and act like the moral majority. They may represent a majority but I don't believe it has anything to do with morals.

It is amazing what we as viewers/readers of news will put up. I wonder how many people are as fed up as I am. When the media makes up it's collected mind on a subject, heaven help the person that it is attacking. Right now it is Sarah Palin. She is a working mother and of course now there is all this big deal about if she is being selfish by putting her profession above her children and her husband. Ok - now I do not know this woman and I do not know if she can actually be deemed selfish. But HELLO! We are in the 21st century. Women have always worked whether it is a home or in an office. Just because you work does not mean that you are putting your career ahead of your family. Oh and another thing. What about her husband - is he not expected to carry the weight as well just because she is a mom that means that she has to drop everything for her children or even put it on hold. So she works, AND? In this day and age women have to work to help the family make ends meet. This in NO way effects her feeling for her children or her husband. It is not a sin to be a mother and work or even to enjoy working.

In a perfect world women would still stay at home while the man of the house would work and bring home the money. Now again I do not know this woman and do not know her circumstances. I do know me and I know that if I had a choice I would not work I would be a stay at home mom in a heart beat. But I also know that as a working mom I do my best. When my son was younger I would make sure that I knew in advance any special events that I needed to attend or any important dates. I've even been on several field trips. I know some stay at home moms that have never been on a field trip let alone a parent/teacher conference. Having said that of course it is all relative. There are good moms and not so good moms and I don't think blaming the working mom is the answer. How about the dad, they work and I notice it's not mentioned about how they may be selfish for not spending enough time with their children.

It just REALLY ANNOYS me how the media is really trying to play up that she is a working mom. She has a newborn and a teenager that is pregnant. Let's blame her working. Can we get a broader picture? Where was the dad when his daughter was looking for love from some boy? A strong male role model will limit a girl from looking for love from someone else. Is that mentioned? Of course not let's blame the mom because she is running for VP.

Is it mentioned that children and teens who come from homes where parents (not just Mom) provide little emotional support for their children and fail to monitor their activities tend to have more emotional problems and get in more trouble than children who come from a home where there is emotional support whether from a single family home or with a mom working. Children from single parent homes, homes where both parents work and homes where one parent works can ALL have children with problems. To singularly blame a working mother for the downfall of humanity is reaching. AND yet media likes to portray that aspect.

Now I am not saying that if she was at home more that her daughter might not be pregnant but we don't know. So blaming her for working is reaching and a ploy to discredit her and in my opinion needs to stop.

I mean whatever happened to the issues - gas prices, the economy, the war. HEY media people - remember those. Let's hear about where the candidates stand on THOSE issues. C'mon are you news organizations or papparazzi.

The Church and its People

God is perfect, just, loving and forgiving. People are not. God keeps his promises. People do not.
So what do you do if you become disappointed with the church? Or more accurately the people/members/staff of a church.

The people of a church are its representatives. When they falter or make mistakes it can cause doubt and hurt feelings. When they act in a "non-christian" manner it can sometimes effect other members in a negative way. Overall we look at church goers to have a higher standard and to behave differently than the general population, even though they are only human. To a certain extent this is true, it is also true that the person looking at those church-goers should also realize that the people they are looking at are not perfect and have faults like everyone else.

So how do you overcome disappointment and hurt feelings relating to a church?

I guess you look at them as human and having their own struggles. But giving someone a second, third, etc. chance can be very hard. It's a struggle. But you need to set it aside and let it go. Easier said than done. But trusting God and not people is the way. On a higher level and thinking psychologically, disappointment in people helps take them from any elevated status to making them appear more human. This is so you trust in the Lord and not in people who may fail you. Sure it hurts, sure it weighs you down, but trusting in the Lord can lighten that load and be the help to lead to forgiveness.

Now I could go into "We are the body" and of course we should act like children of God. But again we are human and we have that basic human nature and fall very short of perfection. As Christians we strive to be more Christ like and that is our goal and yet we are imperfect. That is why we need Christ. Without Christ we can not reach our goal or be forgiven for being imperfect. So, it boils down to forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness is what we can give to other people and what God gives to us and trust that each experience is given to us by God.

Hebrews 12: 1-3
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.

Hebrews 12:12-15
Therefore strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees, and make straight paths for our feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but healed instead. Pursue peace with everyone and holiness, without it no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and by it, defiling many.

SOTT 22

Anger issues - Caution

SOTT 21

SOTT 20

My sign of the times is that he's not a little boy anymore.

Simple Observations

1. People who sit at the front of the bus tend to be more social than the people who sit at the back of the bus unless it's a school bus and then the back is better.

2. Saying "What else could go wrong" is an open invitation for something else to go wrong.

3. Smoke, even a tiny puff, coming from under the hood of your car is not good.

4. Neighbor children are always worse than your own child.

5. Just because you have checks does not mean you have money.

6. There will always be traffic if you are in a hurry.

7. Someone will always know more than you.

8. Quiet time means something different to everyone.

9. Not all blondes are dumb and not all brunettes are smart.

10. Teenagers increase your electric, water and food bills exponentially.

11. Elevators are not fun to get stuck in unless you have snacks and good company.

12. Gas prices always go down the day after you buy gas.

New Office Policy

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

SOTT 19

5 Years and counting

The darling hubby and I have been married for 5 years. We had planned on going out to dinner, just the two of us. However, after freshman orientation and hearing about the $80 calculator and all of the other school supplies that we will need and spend money on for our darling son, we decided to spend a quiet evening at home. We are going to have salad, steak, mashed potatoes and some cupcakes for dessert. Then we are going to watch some tv - we might even rent a movie. Ooooooo!

The traditional gift for 5 years of marriage is wood and the modern gift is silverware. So basically we are going to share a twig and a spoon. Of course now that I am thinking about it - we could combine the two and have a wooden spoon. Hmmmm. The possibilities.

Love you honey. Happy 5th!

SOTT 18

People say what?

There are just some days when you have to admit that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and you need to avoid as many people as possible so that you don't have an altercation. Today is one of those days. Don't know why - I slept ok - but for some reason things are just annoying me today. I'm all agitated. Anyway - here are just a few annoying things that people say that adds to the agitation.

Let's be frank
Ok, first off I'm Wendy, I don't want to be anyone else and certainly not some guy named Frank.

Can I pick your brain?
Uh no - yuck. This reminds me of the Indian Jones Temple of Doom movie where they are served monkey brains. Ewwww.

Are you busy?
Now lets be honest. You can't say yes even if it is true and you can't say no because then they wonder what you're doing. This is kind of a no win situation. Which is why I think boss' learn this at boss' training.

Can I talk to you for a minute?
Usually this does not end well. It usually means you're in trouble for something or they want to give you more work. Look out if they pull you aside from the group - then the fight or flight defense kicks in.

I need a favor
Demanding much! What happened to asking? Now I have said "Will you do me a favor?" but I know the limit of what the favor should be. Some people do not. By definition a favor is an act showing a gracious, kind, or friendly attitude. Now depending on how big this favor is depends on how gracious, kind and friendly the person will be. If you come and demand - well then the gracious, kind or friendly attitude may be on vacation that day.

And last but not least...
Some changes need to be made or There shouldn't be too many changes
Doom. Everyone say it together - DOOM. Now I'm not saying that all change is bad - I mean the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes. But for some reason change in the work place usually means DOOM. As individuals we can adapt - but when you get us in a work environment and put us with other people - look out. It goes back to the whole work place is an alternate universe/dimension theory that I have.

Sicky

I'm a sicky. I have had this thing that has recently been diagnosed as a viral infection for almost 2 weeks now. Fever, ear pain, sinuses, mucous. Yes mucous. I said it. One of the most disgusting words in the English language and not only have I said it but I have it. Ewww.

I'm home today because well I just feel crummy. My body is yelling at me loudly that I need to rest and well I am listening. Not entirely, mind you, but I am listening. I was torn between going to work or staying home with my DH and DS (who by the way are healthy - the little dears). Sometimes I think work is more relaxing, but then again home has the bed. The nice comfy big bed with the pillows and the blanky. Love the bed! Love! Love! Love the bed!

So in the decision making process the bed cheated and I decided to stay home. So that's where me and my mucous are - at home.