Monday, December 24, 2007

The Day Before Christmas

Twas the day before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, except momma elf. With paper and pen in hand she wrote a to do list for the family and herself.

Cookies to bake, things to wrap, all sorts of things to get done before the big man came that night. Why the house itself looked a fright.

She begins with a blog, then we'll see. What's next on the list for this happy little bee. All snug in her bed she wants to be, but things must be done before tomorrow, that's the key.

There will be no fuss, on the t.v. is the Grinch, Frosty, and Santa - all for Christmas.

Well up she must get, to start things off right. But no more eating, these pajamas are too tight.

There she goes to jump in the mess. So, Happy Christmas to all and may God bless.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Scrooged

It has not been a secret that I have been in a major funk as of late. It goes back many months. I have been depressed, cranky and have felt so angry at everyone and everything. I don't know if I would call it a trial (a very LONG trial) or if I have just made mountains out of molehills. It has gradually gotten worse in the last month or so. Money has been a major issue as well as home issues, work issues, car issues, children issues, health issues, etc... I have felt like that game Jenga. If any other piece were to get taken away I would just totally collapse. I am on that precipice and am teetering on the edge.

Well after another banner week at our household - wondering how we are going to afford things and then my car decides to have electrical issues so I miss 2 days of work and having to pay for that to get fixed and many other things - I come into work this morning feeling miserable and cranky and find at my desk a bag full of fattening goodies, a Christmas card, a gift and a Kroger gift card from Santa. Ok, yes I started to cry. After wondering where the money was going to come from to get food for the rest of the month until I get paid and just plain feeling sorry for myself - I come in and am treated to such an amazing thing. Even though these gifts are from my co-workers, I know that they are truly from God and I am SO not worthy.

I lost faith in God and let darkness envelope my heart and truly had given up hope. Belief in something is not the same as having faith. I came partially out of the funk last Sunday when I went to the Christmas Cantata at our church. The song "Heart of Worship" really hit me because it was what I should be singing.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

Of course that lasted me a day and I went right back into the depression - but it did begin the process of softening my heart and making me remember. But, being the stubborn person that I can be... I needed another kick in the pants. I was reminded this morning that this time of year is not about me and what I do or do not have. Which isn't what I thought it was - I was focusing so much on what we didn't have that I forgot what we do have. More important than material things I have a Lord that loves me and provides for me even though I am VERY selfish and not worthy.

So with all of my heart - I'm sorry, Lord, for things I've made it. It's all about you and I should have remembered that. Thank you Lord for reminding me.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Piece of Cake


Well, it happened. I turned the big 4-0. I'm not sure what 40 is supposed to feel like, but I don't think I feel like it. I guess I think I'm supposed to feel older or something, but I don't. I mean, health issue wise it has been a rough couple of months, but other than that 40 is pretty much like any other year. No extra wrinkles or gray hair - so that was good.

It was a good day yesterday. I think that helped. I still had my sense of humor and didn't mind the old jokes. When I got into work I found that my office mate Theresa had made me a cake. A fudge ripple cake that was so yummy! I used my perrogative as an adult and had cake for breakfast. Then my other division mates came into my office with a walker and a fake AARP card. They also gave me a very nice card and a gift card. We went out to lunch at Pei Wei, which is owned by the people of P.F. Changs, only this is a poor mans version. It was very nice to get out with my friends and co-workers and just hang out. Throughout the day I had lots of people wish me happy birthday too.

When I got home I got a big hug from Patrick and a kiss from my hubby and a heater for my office (which is very cold) and a Wal-Mart gift card. We then went to church for rehearsal for the upcoming Christmas play at church.

All in all a very good day. The day was a total blend of normalcy mixed with fun. I have to say it was one of the best birthdays I have ever had. So now I'm 40. Still don't know exactly what that means - but I know I can say it and not feel depressed or remorse. Which is very very good! It was a piece of cake!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Oy! Teenagers!


So, last night I took Patrick to Wal-Mart to get some pants and a shirt for his Winter Concert which is tonight. Since he reached 13 he has of course been paying more attention to his appearance, but even knowing this, I was not ready for what awaited me last night. We first started out looking for pants. Black dress pants. He also needs jeans so we grabbed some pants and some jeans and I told him to try them on. That was the beginning of one of the longest hours I have ever spent.

The first batch did not fit so back out we went to the boys section. Well they did not have any larger black pants so Patrick decided he liked some olive green Dockers. That was fine I said, but then we got into what shirt would go. Yes, my son all of a sudden cared whether or not his clothes matched. Being the wonderful mom that I am I let all that go and we discussed shirt options. Would a matching green shirt go, what about a white shirt, what about a black shirt? I told him what matched and what didn't and was told that what may have matched when I was younger may not match now.

Yes, he went there. Now since my birthday is tomorrow and I am going to be 40, I decided not to take it personally and went for the humor aspect. Since he is a boy and is entering that hormonal stage and I didn’t think Wal-Mart was the time or the place to smack him upside his head.

Anyway, he wanted to make sure that the tie he is going to wear would match and since it is a Christmas tie with Santa on it, I said the green pants and black shirt would be a bit much. He of course thought the black shirt was great so we wandered over into the men’s section. That alone did not help the whole my mom is old thing. I mean how can you shop in the men’s section for your son and not feel old. Ok, so we found this really nice shiny black shirt that he really liked, but we still needed pants. I was still on the dress pants idea so I had him try on some dress pants that I found near the shirts. They turned out to be way too big and ladies tuxedo pants, but we didn’t realize this until after he had tried them on and said that Santa could fit in them with him. Needless to say he was not amused. Where does that whole sense of humor go when you are a teenager?

We ended up getting black jeans, blue jeans and that nice shiny black shirt. Now to end this whole story, we get home and I tell him he is going to look really sharp. He looks at me and says “Don’t say that.” I said “What, sharp?” and he says “Yes, that is such an ancient word.”

The million dollar question is this “Does that boy know how lucky he is that I have a sense of humor.”

Friday, December 7, 2007

Plans Ahead

One of my many faults is that I have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan. I don't know what it is, I may never know what it is, but yet there is one. In times of trouble, my mind often recalls Jeremiah 29:11 "...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."

But still I find it difficult to reason that what I am going through is part in some ultimate plan. Whether for my good in nudging me in the right direction or as part of someone elses lesson. God sees past, present and future - whereas I can only see what I can see with my limited vision. He sees all the intricate details. More than a microscope looking at a piece of tapestry, our lives are all woven with such care and love into such a breathtaking pattern. And yet sometimes only God can see that pattern.

I have a better idea lately since my job involves planning so far ahead for our conferences. We have venues already set for 2009 and I have already invited people to an event in October of 2008. Personally I'm lucky if I know what I will be doing that afternoon. And yet beyond all that, beyond me, beyond this realm, God knows. God knows where I will be, what I will be doing, how I will be emotionally, physically, etc... as well as be with me throughout it all. Wow! To be loved that much is overwhelming, comforting and a little frightening.

It makes me smile to think that while I am going along my regular business, God may be saying "She needs a little nudge, let's put this in her path." or "Ease up a little, she's getting the message." or even "Smack her upside the head, she's being stubborn again." Of course, it all may not be for me, it may be for someone else to learn through or next to me. Again only God knows. But still it is overwhelming, intimidating and AWESOME to know that I am so very loved. I'm in God's daytimer. He has made space for me, time for me, even though he has other things going on. Not in pencil either, but in permanent ink.

So, whatever I am going through he knows and it's going all according to plan. ALL according to plan. Sigh... I so have to remember that.

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