The Day Before Christmas

Twas the day before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, except momma elf. With paper and pen in hand she wrote a to do list for the family and herself.

Cookies to bake, things to wrap, all sorts of things to get done before the big man came that night. Why the house itself looked a fright.

She begins with a blog, then we'll see. What's next on the list for this happy little bee. All snug in her bed she wants to be, but things must be done before tomorrow, that's the key.

There will be no fuss, on the t.v. is the Grinch, Frosty, and Santa - all for Christmas.

Well up she must get, to start things off right. But no more eating, these pajamas are too tight.

There she goes to jump in the mess. So, Happy Christmas to all and may God bless.

Scrooged

It has not been a secret that I have been in a major funk as of late. It goes back many months. I have been depressed, cranky and have felt so angry at everyone and everything. I don't know if I would call it a trial (a very LONG trial) or if I have just made mountains out of molehills. It has gradually gotten worse in the last month or so. Money has been a major issue as well as home issues, work issues, car issues, children issues, health issues, etc... I have felt like that game Jenga. If any other piece were to get taken away I would just totally collapse. I am on that precipice and am teetering on the edge.

Well after another banner week at our household - wondering how we are going to afford things and then my car decides to have electrical issues so I miss 2 days of work and having to pay for that to get fixed and many other things - I come into work this morning feeling miserable and cranky and find at my desk a bag full of fattening goodies, a Christmas card, a gift and a Kroger gift card from Santa. Ok, yes I started to cry. After wondering where the money was going to come from to get food for the rest of the month until I get paid and just plain feeling sorry for myself - I come in and am treated to such an amazing thing. Even though these gifts are from my co-workers, I know that they are truly from God and I am SO not worthy.

I lost faith in God and let darkness envelope my heart and truly had given up hope. Belief in something is not the same as having faith. I came partially out of the funk last Sunday when I went to the Christmas Cantata at our church. The song "Heart of Worship" really hit me because it was what I should be singing.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

Of course that lasted me a day and I went right back into the depression - but it did begin the process of softening my heart and making me remember. But, being the stubborn person that I can be... I needed another kick in the pants. I was reminded this morning that this time of year is not about me and what I do or do not have. Which isn't what I thought it was - I was focusing so much on what we didn't have that I forgot what we do have. More important than material things I have a Lord that loves me and provides for me even though I am VERY selfish and not worthy.

So with all of my heart - I'm sorry, Lord, for things I've made it. It's all about you and I should have remembered that. Thank you Lord for reminding me.

Piece of Cake

Well, it happened. I turned the big 4-0. I'm not sure what 40 is supposed to feel like, but I don't think I feel like it. I guess I think I'm supposed to feel older or something, but I don't. I mean, health issue wise it has been a rough couple of months, but other than that 40 is pretty much like any other year. No extra wrinkles or gray hair - so that was good.

It was a good day yesterday. I think that helped. I still had my sense of humor and didn't mind the old jokes. When I got into work I found that my office mate Theresa had made me a cake. A fudge ripple cake that was so yummy! I used my perrogative as an adult and had cake for breakfast. Then my other division mates came into my office with a walker and a fake AARP card. They also gave me a very nice card and a gift card. We went out to lunch at Pei Wei, which is owned by the people of P.F. Changs, only this is a poor mans version. It was very nice to get out with my friends and co-workers and just hang out. Throughout the day I had lots of people wish me happy birthday too.

When I got home I got a big hug from Patrick and a kiss from my hubby and a heater for my office (which is very cold) and a Wal-Mart gift card. We then went to church for rehearsal for the upcoming Christmas play at church.

All in all a very good day. The day was a total blend of normalcy mixed with fun. I have to say it was one of the best birthdays I have ever had. So now I'm 40. Still don't know exactly what that means - but I know I can say it and not feel depressed or remorse. Which is very very good! It was a piece of cake!

Oy! Teenagers!

So, last night I took Patrick to Wal-Mart to get some pants and a shirt for his Winter Concert which is tonight. Since he reached 13 he has of course been paying more attention to his appearance, but even knowing this, I was not ready for what awaited me last night. We first started out looking for pants. Black dress pants. He also needs jeans so we grabbed some pants and some jeans and I told him to try them on. That was the beginning of one of the longest hours I have ever spent.

The first batch did not fit so back out we went to the boys section. Well they did not have any larger black pants so Patrick decided he liked some olive green Dockers. That was fine I said, but then we got into what shirt would go. Yes, my son all of a sudden cared whether or not his clothes matched. Being the wonderful mom that I am I let all that go and we discussed shirt options. Would a matching green shirt go, what about a white shirt, what about a black shirt? I told him what matched and what didn't and was told that what may have matched when I was younger may not match now.

Yes, he went there. Now since my birthday is tomorrow and I am going to be 40, I decided not to take it personally and went for the humor aspect. Since he is a boy and is entering that hormonal stage and I didn’t think Wal-Mart was the time or the place to smack him upside his head.

Anyway, he wanted to make sure that the tie he is going to wear would match and since it is a Christmas tie with Santa on it, I said the green pants and black shirt would be a bit much. He of course thought the black shirt was great so we wandered over into the men’s section. That alone did not help the whole my mom is old thing. I mean how can you shop in the men’s section for your son and not feel old. Ok, so we found this really nice shiny black shirt that he really liked, but we still needed pants. I was still on the dress pants idea so I had him try on some dress pants that I found near the shirts. They turned out to be way too big and ladies tuxedo pants, but we didn’t realize this until after he had tried them on and said that Santa could fit in them with him. Needless to say he was not amused. Where does that whole sense of humor go when you are a teenager?

We ended up getting black jeans, blue jeans and that nice shiny black shirt. Now to end this whole story, we get home and I tell him he is going to look really sharp. He looks at me and says “Don’t say that.” I said “What, sharp?” and he says “Yes, that is such an ancient word.”

The million dollar question is this “Does that boy know how lucky he is that I have a sense of humor.”

Plans Ahead

One of my many faults is that I have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan. I don't know what it is, I may never know what it is, but yet there is one. In times of trouble, my mind often recalls Jeremiah 29:11 "...For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."

But still I find it difficult to reason that what I am going through is part in some ultimate plan. Whether for my good in nudging me in the right direction or as part of someone elses lesson. God sees past, present and future - whereas I can only see what I can see with my limited vision. He sees all the intricate details. More than a microscope looking at a piece of tapestry, our lives are all woven with such care and love into such a breathtaking pattern. And yet sometimes only God can see that pattern.

I have a better idea lately since my job involves planning so far ahead for our conferences. We have venues already set for 2009 and I have already invited people to an event in October of 2008. Personally I'm lucky if I know what I will be doing that afternoon. And yet beyond all that, beyond me, beyond this realm, God knows. God knows where I will be, what I will be doing, how I will be emotionally, physically, etc... as well as be with me throughout it all. Wow! To be loved that much is overwhelming, comforting and a little frightening.

It makes me smile to think that while I am going along my regular business, God may be saying "She needs a little nudge, let's put this in her path." or "Ease up a little, she's getting the message." or even "Smack her upside the head, she's being stubborn again." Of course, it all may not be for me, it may be for someone else to learn through or next to me. Again only God knows. But still it is overwhelming, intimidating and AWESOME to know that I am so very loved. I'm in God's daytimer. He has made space for me, time for me, even though he has other things going on. Not in pencil either, but in permanent ink.

So, whatever I am going through he knows and it's going all according to plan. ALL according to plan. Sigh... I so have to remember that.

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Beyond Myself

"The flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh, for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please." (Galatians 5:17 NIV)

This is so true. Especially in me. Daily my flesh has a desire all its own to do what it wants to do. Whether it has to do with anger, pride, selfishness, stubbornness, depression or anything else. This is especially true in times of need or crisis. I can be so in control and have such a christian demeanor then WHAM I get this totally separate personality that is SO not in control. It is a daily struggle. Some days are really good and I thank the Lord for those days. Then some days I can not keep my mouth shut and can not seem to control my whole attitude, brain mass, whatever...

Before I was a christian this was something that was every day. But it didn't bother me and I didn't really care if I went off on people or had an attitude. I was basically unhappy and didn't care if I made other people unhappy or what other people thought. But since becoming a christian, the Spirit convicts me that I am wrong and that I should behave better. Constant struggle. I may want to go ballistic on someone or have road rage or be all fleshy but I can't and I shouldn't. Constant Struggle! I need to honor God and obey the Spirit. CONSTANT STRUGGLE.

Whether it be a bad habit, grumpiness or something else - what does a person do if they are in a constant struggle with their flesh? Well I can only say what I do. I apologize - not only to God for behaving that way but also to the person(s) that I may have spouted off too. I also pray. I don't want to act like that and I know God doesn't want me to act like that so I pray for forgiveness as well as for help in controlling my mouth, temper or overall brain. A lot has to do with self-control and sometimes I have none and sometimes I ignore it and let it go. Again I say constant struggle. Especially for me. I have to remind myself daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) that even though I am strong willed and may even be in the right, that does not give me the right to act that way. Excuses or no excuses - I have to look beyond myself and reach out to the Spirit and let it take over. Otherwise I would and could do some real damage. It's not just about knowing better or taking the high road, it's about doing what I know I should and what God expects of me as his child. I may have the right to go off on tangents and express my anger but that does not mean that I should. At every moment I need to act like the child that I know I should be, that God wants me to be. Not only as an example but as part of the being saved (and knowing better) group.

Constant Struggle!

Gate Awareness

Yesterday, in Sunday School class we were finishing our section on the Sermon on the Mount. We ended with discussion of contrasts and false prophets from Matthew 7. Most people have heard portions of this sermon. Usually “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it..." is what seems to be quoted a lot.

Ok, so the gist of this is that you need to go through the narrow gate. Ahh, but few are actually going to go through the narrow gate. Which I'm sure many people will be very upset about. This of course leads to the false prophet portion. Many preachers are out there and are talking about all the fuzzy feelings that you get from the love of God and yet few will actually mention that the only way is through Jesus. Oh they will talk about the ten commandments and they will mention all of the miracles and even the parables. But when it comes down to it they don't mention that narrow gate or the actual path that needs to be taken. Why? Because they want you to come back. It's a business and you can't scare off your customers.

The funny thing is that they (the preachers) may not even know that they are false prophets. Which of course sounds very strong. But that is what they are. "...You will know them by their fruits..." This doesn't mean - is the church that they are at a big church? and do they have many members? This means - is there conversion going on, are they helping others because they should or because it looks good for their church, do they follow the true path?. I can think of several churches and several radio churches that fall into the latter. Of course there are people that attend these churches that are true Christians and are helping because it is what they should do. Even a tree that is dying can still have some good fruit. That of course is because the Lord chooses to use them even in that atmosphere. But what about the whole? Sooner or later that tree is going to die. Hopefully the seeds that bear the good fruit have left and started a new tree, otherwise they will die along with the other tree. Which is very sad.

How few is few? A small number, a limited number of people. Ok. But how do you get to be in that few? How do you truly know that you are in that few? Self-awareness. Self-examination. Go through your thoughts, your feelings, your heart. You must give yourself totally, heart and soul to the Lord. You must believe that not only did he exist, not only did he do miracles, but he died for you to live. All of his pain and suffering is because of you, because he loves you. If you are truly changed after giving yourself to him and you truly love him with all of your heart and soul. Then you are considered in the few. But if you think you are in control, and that your way is better or that you are not a sinner then you are walking a very wide path. I think it has to be wide because of all of the ego's that travel down it. I traveled it. Everyone has or is traveling it.

What gate are you going to go through?

Gobble Gobble

Well, everything turned out great. I was so relieved. The turkey wasn't dried out, but I think I could have used more seasonings. I went light since it was my first time brining - so next time I know to bump it up a bit.

Turkey Day

For the first time ever I will be cooking a turkey. Usually we have chicken or ham. Michael likes ham and Patrick & I like chicken so we switch each year. This year we have company, my friend Cheryl and her daughter Katie. They came to live with us at the end of September. We compromised since our Thanksgiving traditions are very different. So this year we are having turkey. Now since I have never cooked a turkey and have heard that they are fickle creatures, I did some research. So not only am I cooking a turkey for the first time but I am also proud to say that I am brining it as well, which incidentally I have never done before either.

Which is why last night I mentioned to Michael that maybe we should take out the hamburger meat that we have in the freezer as a back up. You know that saying of "if it can go wrong it probably will." I have high hopes though. I am excited to be doing something that I have never done before as well as having more people for Thanksgiving. I am excited this year to be sharing Thanksgiving with family and friends. Of course I may have thought of something less complicated.

Who new that you have to brine the meat for about an hour for each pound? I am doing a combination of some brine recipes that I found on the internet. Water, kosher salt, sugar, bay leaves, thyme, garlic and pepper. Well it's a good thing that I did research. Because according to the experts (Martha Stewart and Alton Brown - brining is the only way to go and once you do it you will always want to do it that way). So - I am going to brine the turkey for 11 hours, then it has to be rinsed off, then it has to sit in the fridge for about 5 hours so that it soaks up all the juices and the skin will come out crispy after it is cooked. THEN it is going to be baked for 3 1/2 hours. Of course that doesn't take into account the chocolate pie, walnut pumpkin pie, carrot pudding, lima beans, corn, rolls, stuffing and gravy that needs to be made. Compromise - who knew it could be so busy.

Well, this year we have so much to be thankful for, including the food that will be on our table. So I guess all of the work is worth it. It's a shame that it goes so quickly though. Well, here's hoping that I know what I am doing and that it all turns out good. I'll let you know after dinner tonight.

All who are weary

As I was driving home last night I was thinking about Thanksgiving and thinking about what we needed when I drove by a homeless man on the side of the road. He was just sitting there near the underpass with a grocery cart full of this belongings. As I passed, even in that short time span, I felt time stop and I could see every detail of his face and his belongings. He was an older man with very soft, yet sad eyes. I instantly felt somber and thought, even if I do not have a traditional Thanksgiving, this man may not even have a place to sleep or food to eat. Even though I just passed him on the street instantly I kept thinking about him all the way home and into the evening. I could see his face and it just burned inside of me that I needed to do something.

We live in a society that has such wealth and excess, that it is sometimes hard to fathom that there are people out there that have nothing but what they have on or what they can carry. Even though I have been to points in my life where I was afraid that I would not have enough food to eat or a place to live - I was fortunate enough to never end up on the street. This man, these people were not as fortunate. We live in a country where on each corner is a McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, etc... and yet we have people that are starving. We have houses being built all around, new development everywhere and yet we have people that are homeless. We have numerous churches in every town, city and state and yet there are people out there that feel so helpless and worthless that are ignored, abused because they are less fortunate than we ware. It truly saddens me to think that this Thanksgiving and Christmas that there are people out there that have so little to be thankful for. Not just this time of year but all year round.

It saddens me that even with the auctions, collections, donations, that there are still people out there that will do without. The need is so much greater than the response. The pain, the suffering seems out of control. People are being displaced due to natural disasters, lay-offs, overall money problems, health issues. Why does it seem so hopeless, that things are just not getting better? I want to help them all, each one on the side of the road that wanders in search of food, shelter and some compassion and hope. I want to be able to save them all and yet I know that I can't.

But I know who can and I do have hope. My only recourse is to go and look, learn and take to heart what I read.

Matthew 9:35-37 (New King James Version)
Then Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people. But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd. Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few.

1 Corinthians 15:56-58 (New King James Version)
The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord.

Galatians 6:8-10 (New King James Version)

For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith.

Gone with the Wind

I love old movies. On any given Saturday I so could waste the whole day by watching the Turner Classic Movie channel. I love the dialogue, the costumes, the acting. One of my favorite movies was on the other night, Gone with the Wind. It has so many good lines, beautiful costumes, etc.. Not only can it be used as a partial history piece, but it has so many complex characters that you could discuss their flaws and attributes forever. The more you watch it the more you notice. Depending on where you are in life the different aspects mean more to you than others.

I watched the entire movie the other night. The uncut version that has the intermission and orchestra portions. Such a classic movie. So many parts of the movie deal with life today even though it is set in civil war times. This time around I focused more on Scarlett and why she does what she does throughout the whole movie. This time I saw her more as someone who was not just a selfish "man"ipulator, but someone who was moved to do whatever she had to do to survive at whatever cost. I explained to Michael that in the beginning of the story she is only about 16-17 years of age when the war starts. Even at that age, when she has not experienced true hardship, she is so selfish in her reasoning and that continues throughout the whole movie.

But this time I saw something a little different. After she leaves Atlanta and is struggling to make it to Tara. She is starving, her family is starving, her mother (her advocate) has died - you can almost justify the things that she does. She never wants her or her family to starve or be poor ever again and the murder and manipulation that she does in the middle of the movie is to that end. She wants to go back to being safe, to not have that unsurety about her life or her future.

I never identified that character to myself until the other day. No, I'm not going to go out and use and manipulate people to get what I think my family or myself need, but I identify with the loss, the need. Need not want. Food, medicine, shelter, money, security. In the past there have been times in my life I have not had any of these things and you do what you have to do so that your loved ones do have these things. Going back some years there were times when I did what I had to do so that there was enough food in the house for Patrick to eat for the rest of the week until I got paid. As an adult or even as the head of the household you just learn to do without for the sake of the people that you love that have the greater need.

Of course Scarlett was not beneath manipulating for what she wanted, but she never would just come right out and ask for help. Situations throughout the movie would have been so different if she had just asked for help. Again, I identify with her. I find it very difficult to ask or accept help. It's a pride thing. We all know it. But I also think it is more complicated than that. It is pride that we are in a situation that we need to ask for help but it's also shame that we were not able to fix the situation ourselves. That is one of the first rules of adulthood - your an adult now, you need to take care of things yourself. Don't parents say "I'm not always going to be around so you need to be more responsible, take care of this." Also, I think as a society we tend to look down on those that may ask for help. It's OK for me to offer to help or to give to charity, but DON'T ask me personally for help, which is why I think most people cross the street when they see a homeless person. Of course asking for help or charity means that you were not able to do or to fix what needed to be fixed and we are a society of self-help zombies anyway.

So, where am I going with all of this? Don't know. What I do know is that it's not just about a movie, it's about watching people become who they are because of circumstances that have happened in their life. Scarlett shows what can happen if we take the low road. But what happens if that is the only road open to you at the time? Can it honestly be the ONLY road open? Or is it the only road that you see? Are some of us meant to follow that road until we can turn off?

Again, don't know. I think it becomes a personal journey that any given person has to make on their own. It has a lot to do with personal experience and a persons faith to decide which road to take and what decisions to make while on that road. Even though those old movies are sometimes in black and white - not all decisions are. The only thing you can say is that once the decision is made, you can't take it back - it's Gone with the Wind. Which is why the title means much more than just a way of life going away.

Happy Birthday Mr. Graham

If you were to ask anyone if they had heard the name Billy Graham, I would say that almost 95% would say yes and even more would recognize him as being "a preacher". To say that this man has made a mark on history and the world is an understatement. His biography is a list of who's who. The U.S. Postal Service has said that Billy Graham is one of the few Americans, along with the President, who will be delivered mail that simply reads his name and the country.

So what has kept him in the spotlight for almost 60 years? I think it is his faith and his burning desire to share the gospel. But not just that. He seems to be an average man, humble, honorable, consistent, faithful, strong. I have watched him several times on television when he has spoken (I have not had the privilege to hear him speak in person) and each time he strikes me as a most amazing man. Even through the tv I can feel the compassion, the calling. I hear in his voice such conviction, such warmth, such surety that coming and confessing my sins and opening my heart is the right thing and the only thing that I need to do.

He exudes charisma yet can not be characterized as a tv preacher. Even in the circles that he walks he still feels for the lowly, the people that other people forget about and that no-one needs to stay lost. When you hear him speak you feel like you can see the glory of God, you feel the love that only our Father and Saviour can give us. For all that and more, God will truly say "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Thank you Lord for showing your shining light through a man that reaches the lost, a man that has shown people your glory and your forgiveness. Happy Birthday Mr. Graham. May God bless you as you have blessed others.

My Fault, Your Fault or a TN Fault Lines

Awhile ago I found an interesting website that shows where recent seismic activity has occurred. In addition to where a seismic activity has occurred, the site also shows where fault lines are located. A fault is a line of fracture in the rocks where the two sides move by each other, where the rocks have broken. The rocks on one side of the fault have moved passed the rocks on the other side . So, when a sudden movement or a release of energy occurs an earthquake can happen because these faults move.

You probably know where I am going with this. People are like fault lines. Sometimes, when something is broken or is rubbed the wrong way we have our own fault lines. Whether or not they are small and do minor damage or they are big and create disasters depends on the person and the situation. Like earthquakes they can build up and then BOOM all you can do is get to the nearest safe place and hunker down until it is over and pray that there wasn't to much damage.

Yesterday, my fault line exploded into a massive earthquake that could only be described as an 8.0 on the Richter Scale. This means that it "can cause serious damage in areas several hundred miles across." Which in layman's terms means that it equaled 1 gigaton of TNT going off.

I totally lost it. Like most seismic activity it was something that had been building up and instead of trying to find away to release the pressure that was building, I ignored the signs and went on with my life. Bad, bad idea. I can smile now even though I really shouldn't. By going off on my own personal earthquake I acted so unchristian and totally monstrous that it's going to take a long time to pick up the pieces and clean up the mess. Looking back I don't think I remember a time when I was totally as ugly as I was yesterday. My insides must have been totally black and tar like. By spewing all of that toxic waste out of my system I spread the goo to my family and covered them totally. It was one of those things that can't just be covered over and forgotten, it was one of those things that only a good cleansing could take care of.

A total cleansing like only Jesus can give me. By crying out to Jesus for help and by reaching out and accepting his hand I can receive forgiveness. By accepting his outstretched arms I can receive comfort even though I do not deserve it. Only by his love and forgiveness can I go to my family and ask for forgiveness and be able to move forward with the hope and knowledge that I can prevent more pressure from building and exploding. Only with his love can I say that it was totally my fault and ask for help in handling the next build up of bad energy so that any pressure will be released and not cause any more destruction. Only God, Only Jesus. As in Third Day's song "... there is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing. He'll meet you wherever you are, Cry out to Jesus, Cry Out to Jesus."

Families - your own personal hell

In every family there is someone who is the glue. They are the ones that know everything about everyone in the family. Secrets, likes, dislikes, the old family history, the recipes and everything in between.

In most families it is a mother or a grandmother, in my family it was my mother. I have noted not just in my family but in others that when this person, this rock dies or is dying, things start to fall apart for some families. This is when all of the dirty laundry is rehashed and released. Feelings of inadequacies, hurt, disappointment, jealousy, etc... are all brought to the surface and eventually bubble out in all of the pain that is associated when a loved one dies. At times why does adversity bring out the worst in people? Why can friends get passed emotional situations better than family members sometimes? In the pain in the loss of a loved one why do some families just fall apart and others continue on as they were?

Part of it I think is that the family really was not as functional as it appeared on the surface. I know with my own family as I look back, there were jealousies and things that were swept under the rug when they should have been brought into the light and dealt with. The human element is such a strange, difficult thing to understand. As individuals we are so complex that even though we can say we feel someway and even think we feel that way - when a tragedy occurs we totally act a different way. On the surface we go about our business and act like we are supposed too as a family member and maybe without even knowing it something is building inside that eventually has to burst.

Sometimes it's because that glue is gone and the person that was keeping everything together is gone and we know that things will never be the same. It's difficult to actually determine why we do what we do at times. I know that there are many professional theories and I am sure that many discussions have been conducted. I personally have theories and have formed my own opinion. Actually I have studied and given much thought to the reason behind the behaviors at a persons death. Mainly because of my own experience.

The emotional situation is sometimes so difficult for people to bear that they find a way to let out the emotional barrage that they are feeling and it is easier to take it out on a loved one. For the most part, the family member will still love you and will still stick around and take your attitude and sometimes even come back for more no matter how much it hurts. Why? I think, because they too have an emotional investment in the relationship and will either want to make things right, turn the other cheek or give as good as they got. Sometimes all depending on the stage and what they have at stake.

Even as the years have changed and the definition of family has changed - people for the most part have a picture of what family is and that "blood is thicker than water". In our minds we think that we are forever stuck with our relatives and there is nothing that we can do to change that or them. Which for the most part is true. Changing human nature is almost impossible. We know this and still we hope and still we try. That is also human nature. For the most part we look at any given situation and study it and see how we can make it better, how we can fix it. The harder the odds the harder we try. The closer the family member the harder we try. Human nature needs to be loved, to be close with other people, we need that interaction. We crave companionship and family is the first thing we recognize in our search because it is the first thing that we were introduced to. Family is the first thing that is ingrained in our brains whether it was there or if it was absent, whether we reach our for it or not. It is imprinted and thus will always be there and will be something that will always be important and will always be used as a tool and a weapon by other family members because it is something that they too fear and know that it can be used even if it is only on a subconscious level. I think most people are not even aware of what they are doing or even the hurt that they are causing - they just see what the blinders that they have unconsciously put on will let them see. They only see what they feel and what is going on in their minds. They have not reached the awareness of other people. I don't want to say that they are selfish but in a way they are. They see their hurt and what is going on with them and what they observe without regard to other people and that they too have feelings and that things are not always as you perceive them. Again human nature. Most people do not reach that self awareness and the awareness of other people. They have compassion but no empathy. Which in truth not only affects their families but other people. One of the main reasons that the human race is where we are today. We may have sympathy but empathy is not alive and well for most of the population.

Anyway, the gist of these ramblings seems to me to be in the age old saying "You always hurt the ones you love." More so if they happen to be a family member. Something that unfortunately will never change. Families like churches are their own worst enemies at times.

Dear Lord

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now Father for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Today Lord, I specificaly ask that you please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Strengthen me to give the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those that don't believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that you, God change people and you, God change things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them.

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Give me the dream

I had the most interesting dream, well I'm not positive it was a dream, but that is what I will call it for now.

It started with me waking up with a very unusual feeling. I felt like something had woken me up. As I laid there I felt an overwhelming feeling that Jesus was with me. I felt so close to Jesus, he was with me and it was such an overwhelming presence, it filled my every pore. I also felt like the second coming was coming, coming at any moment. With the feeling that Jesus was with me I also had a sense of fear. I laid there waiting for the trumpets, waiting and thinking about seeing the face of Jesus. I was on edge waiting for it to happen. But I had that sense of fear. That sense that it was going to happen and I was going to miss it. But the fear was more than that. It was a fear of God. I'm not sure how to explain that. I know everyone has had a time when they have had fear or have been scared. This was more than that and so different but yet it was fear. A fear of being that close, a fear of losing that closeness. But, even though I had fear I also had such peace.

It's hard to explain feelings to someone unless they can identify with them, because they have felt the same thing. They can sympathize but not empathize. It is hard for me to find the words to explain what I was feeling. It felt so real, more real than any dream I have ever had. That is what makes me think I was awake and it wasn't a dream. I remember rolling over and thinking about the trumpets. Then I think I went to sleep. The peace and the sensation has stayed with me all day.

Pass the Cake

One of my favorite Christmas cartoons is Frosty the Snowman. Every time he comes to life he says Happy Birthday. It reminds me each time I hear it about how joyful it is to be re-born.

I was re-born 9 years ago today. I was totally broken. I had hit my bottom. I got on my knees beside my bed and cried uncontrollably. I spoke out loud and confessed my sins and said that I could not live this life or go on without help. I finally asked the Lord to forgive me. It still amazes how instantly I felt better. I had a calmness that I had never felt before.

It has not been an easy 9 years. Not at all. But, my faith has kept me out and through difficult situations. I have made my share (and more) of mistakes and have stumbled in my walk. Yet, there have been times in the last 9 years where I have felt such an overwhelming presence, so close to me, that my heart and soul could only be described as overflowing. I know more and am more a child of God than I was in the beginning. I’m not quite the baby in Christ I was, but I am not fully the woman that I think I should be. I know God is working on me and the journey at the very least will be interesting.

So I am proud to say that I am 9 years old today and I have received the best present that anyone could ever want or need. So pass the cake.

Visiting Downtown Nashville

Our first field trip since my friend Cheryl and her daughter Katie moved up here was to downtown Nashville. We spent the day visiting Fort Nashboro, the Schermerhorn Symphony Center for their Free Music Day, Farmers Market, Bicentennial Mall and then we ended the day by having a picnic dinner outside of the Parthenon.

FYI

For more information or help to understand please go to:

http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/cutting.html

Cuts Like A Knife

One of the differences between girls and boys is how they handle stress, conflict and emotion. Usually (not all of the time), girls tend to send things internally and let them fester until they can't take it anymore and it overflows. When this happens girls will yell, scream, cry, get cranky, etc... A few girls send it even more internally - so deep that it hurts so much that they think they just want to cut it out and hurt themselves.

I used to be like that in high school. I had friends who had a lot of problems or at least more so than me. I didn't think that they would listen or that what I was feeling was worse than what they were going through at the time. I always had to be there for them and take care of them. I still have that feeling towards people that I consider my friend. In addition, my mother did not believe in depression or things being that bad in my life because of all that she had been through in her life. Being older and in her 60's I don't think she remembered what it was like to be a teenager full of hormones and stress and all of the other stuff that goes through a teenagers mind. So when I was younger I would internalize everything and put on a happy face. Being sad or depressed was just not an option.

I look back and realize that this is something that I do even now. Something I learned and have carried with me. Back then though we didn't have blogs and all I had were my journals. Full of anger, pain, sadness, happiness and the whole range or emotions that teenage girls have. I also did not have the promise or hope that I have now in God. By the time I was in 11th grade I internalized so much that I would cut myself to make the hurt be on the outside. I don't know that I did it to get attention, I don't think so anyway. It was more of an expression of anger and pain that I wanted to get out rather than trying to have someone notice me. I started on my ankle and cut myself with a safety pin. I kept digging and digging into my flesh even after I had drawn blood. Days later I moved onto my hand and used a paper clip that I had at school and sat in class and cut my left hand under my thumb. As time passed I made more small cuts, but the small amount of release that I found was not making me feel any better. I moved onto my left arm and cut my forearm. Again using a paper clip, I cut the letter C into my arm and then realizing that someone would see it, I continued to cut my arm until it was a large box shape. The euphoria and guilt I felt in thinking that someone would see it gave me such a rush. I know that sounds strange but in cutting myself I felt better in a weird way - it lessened the internal pain and brought it out to the surface. I told my mom that I just had scratched a bite with my nails and that was that. Until I had red streaks running up my arm because it was so infected. When I saw the doctor he recognized what it was and what I had done. He told my mom what he thought and they asked me (more like a "I know what you did and we want the truth" kind of thing). I told them a watered down version and was told not to do anything that stupid again. Now being afraid of my mom - I stopped doing any serious cutting. But now and then I would do little bits where I knew she wouldn't see. Thankfully, I was more afraid of my mom than any pleasure that I might have gotten from cutting myself. I did continue through the rest of my time in high school and years into college. I hid it well and in places I knew only I would see. If anyone did see it, I would just blame it on scratching too much or whatever. I finally stopped on my own about two years before I graduated. I think it was because I was concentrating so hard on my studies and working at the same time that I found other outlets. Those will probably be another blog (they are part of something else).

The reason I guess I am bearing my soul is that lately through work I have been around a lot of teenagers. Not just my own but others as well. Cutting is something that is making news and is popping up in discussion, so it has been on my mind lately. I don't know if girls are doing it more or if adults are just catching on that it is going on. Speaking as a girl that used to be a teenager, parents and adults can be pretty clueless sometimes - even when it is staring them right in the face. I don't know if it is because they just want to trust their children, students or if they are in denial or if it is something else.

The problem is though - as adults we can not let ourselves fall into those safety zones of denial or obliviousness. If I see something and even if I don't think it is something serious it might be better for me to ask than ignoring and then have a girl suffer through the consequences of something that at the least could be painful and at the most could be deadly. I am thankful that what I did to my body was small considering what I could have done if I had gone further. I think in a small part it had to due with getting caught and being faced by my doctor and my mom even though it was a small intervention. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you know a girl and she seems like she has it all together and she seems strong and she seems like her world is together - please check beneath the layers - use a microscope if you have to - but look. Look for marks, letters, names. Anything that has been written in pen on her arms, legs, hands, etc... Watch those areas and see if scratches show up "accidentally".

Don't yell, don't panic. Give love and understanding and if that doesn't work, get help. Friends, nurses, pastors, youth pastors, etc... Even if she doesn't think it's a big deal.

https://mercyministries.org/aspstore/p-51-cut-mercy-for-self-harm.aspx

Pushing 40

Well, it is time to let the realization hit me. I am going to be 40. I'm not sure what 40 feels like, but I have to say I am not feeling it. Not that I'm upset over it or dwelling, but it seems like something that needs to be dealt with. Kind of like that moldy leftover food in the refrigerator.

My friend Cheryl turned 40 first (she's 3 months older than I am and I remind her every birthday). So, when my turn comes I will have someone to commiserate or celebrate with depending on how I take it when the time comes. The reason I say it like that is when I turned 30, I was depressed. It was hard for me to realize that I was at that age that I used to think was old and that I had not done many of the things that I had wanted to do by the time I reached 30. That reminds me I was going to stop making to do lists - well I guess forgetting things is the first stage.

Now don't get me wrong - I don't think I am a mass of decaying flesh that is just falling apart as I get older - of course now that I have said that it is going to be in my head for awhile. Anyway - I know that I am not as young as I used to be and am limited in what I can do and how long I do it. Of course the gray hair, that one little chin hair that is soooo annoying, the wrinkles around my eyes and mouth help with that I am getting older feeling. Yet I still get pimples every now and then. What's up with that!? Is that my body saying your old but yet your not old so don't get all worked up over it? Or is it just one of those things that are meant to keep us humble and have a sense of humor? I think it's both - I mean if you get older and don't have a sense of humor - well let's just say you'll be a very cranky, crabby person that the children on your street avoid at all costs (which if you think about it may or may not be a good idea - I'm on the fence about that one).

So, as I push 40 I guess I better get ready for all that comes and all that does not come with it. I'm not at that stage where I get to pay half price at movies or get a senior discount or social security or anything else like that. I'm in limbo. I'm at that age where I am too young to get any old people perks and too old to be considered young and hip (or funky fresh for you other old people). I am also at that stage where I seem to be looking back into the past and remembering more and more of the "good ol' days" and hoping as I go forward to have more "good ol' days".

One thing I know I am looking forward to is playing into the stereotype of the old person at times (not to often - cause well it might become a habit). I love the word whippersnapper and the stories of when gas was under a $1 and when I had to walk to school in a snow storm up hill both ways. Of course when I do that, if anyone hears any cracking noises or sees my teeth slip they need too just ignore it, pat my hand and nod their head at me like people usually do with old people. Oh and bring gifts, old people like gifts!

Pretty in Pink

In case you're not aware it's National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This program is dedicated to increase awareness of early detection. If you have breasts you probably already know this and for those of you of the male persuasion you may be wondering how and why this affects you. This disease can not only affect your wives, sisters, mothers BUT it can affect you. Not just in supporting and loving your family, but men can also get breast cancer.

Yes, male breast cancer is rare, and the overall incidence of breast cancer is 1.5 per 1,000, compared to 124 per 100,ooo in women and even though it sounds like a small number it roughly means 2,030 men will be diagnosed and about 450 will die (Susan G. Komen Foundation). Which is too many if early detection is the key.

For women it is much worse. Breast cancer remains the second leading cause of cancer deaths in American women. Again early detection is the key. Getting tested regularly for breast cancer is the best way for women to lower their risk of dying from the disease. Screening tests can find cancer early, when it's most treatable. 92% of breast cancers can be cured with early detection and prompt treatment (National Synchrotron Light Source).

It's not a case of embarressment or of being too busy. It's not even a good excuse to say that you forgot. There are video's online that show how to's, there are brochures, shower hanging how to's, etc... Get the word out - share the tools and information - help save another woman or man. Help save a friend or family member. And if all that doesn't convince you - how about saving yourself!

http://cms.komen.org/komen/AboutBreastCancer/EarlyDetectionScreening/EDS3-3-3?ssSourceNodeId=292&ssSourceSiteId=Komen

http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/about-breast-cancer/

http://www.nbcam.com/

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/breast-self-exam/WO00026/

Season of the Dying Flowers

Driving into work this morning I realized how truly lucky I have been throughout my life. Even in the bad times when I was at my lowest I never broke. I came close many times but I never hit total bottom. I guess I could have. I'm not sure if it was my stubbornness or something else that kept me from totally giving up and existing in an empty shell. I think love from my mom and friends over the years may have helped me through. I am truly blessed and thankful that my spirit was never totally broken.

Having said that, I realized how like flowers we are as human beings. We are so very fragile in both spirit and body. As with a flower, if it is not taken care of; it will slowly die off. People are so like that. Looking into other people's faces as I walk downtown is sad sometimes. The homeless people have such a look of being beaten down and their faces are worn and ragged. Their eyes sometimes have such a lack of hope or faith that it is heart wrenching. Things have beaten against them over time and they have that weathered, broken look; that sense of erosion. At some point they made the decision to stop getting up and decided to stay down. They were broken and they gave up.

I have been to that edge. I have had times when I did not want to get up and fight again. But somehow I did. Whether that fighting spirit in me just wouldn't die or what I'm not sure. Even if I didn't lift myself totally out, I lifted myself up enough so that I saw at least a little glimmer of light. But some people have totally been beat down and have just given up trying to see the light. They are no longer who they used to be - but an empty shell that is just trying to survive.

I realized that this morning. There are so many people that just need to be loved and cared for. Their faces are weathered and their hearts are broken and they are just existing because that is all that they know. It breaks my heart to see someone that once had so much light and hope and spirit to be totally broken and just existing. Where do you start? What do you say? Can it be that easy to just start with a hug and work your way up? How do you help repair years of neglect and damage? How do you help bring someone back to life? How do you help someone that only knows and remembers the pit and doesn't even remember what hope or dreams are like? How is it possible that we as part of the human race have let people get to this point without realizing that things have gotten so bad? Are we partially to blame for letting them get to that point where there is no hope, faith, love or light left in them? How do you counter years and years of neglect? How do you bring Spring into the lives that are so consumed by Winter? How do you bring the flowers back to life so that they bloom again?

Ah Hah! Moments

Many people have had Ah Hah! moments. These are moments when mental focus is given and we see our life or the moment in such clarity that we just totally understand what is going on. These are those light bulb over your head moments. I have had several in my life. I believe all prodding me towards a certain path.

My first Ah Hah! moment was when I found out I was pregnant with Patrick. I knew I was pregnant even though every test said that I wasn't. I knew that I wanted to be a mom. It was one of those times that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was meant to be. I had such focus against obstacles that were put in my way. It was me against the world and I knew I was going to win.

The second Ah Hah! moment was when my mom died. She was my whole world, our relationship was so close that it was like losing a part of me when she died. As much as I love her and miss her - I have to say that it was the first step or push as I like to call it to go down the path that was meant for me. I needed to let go and do on my own. I needed to become an adult - even though I missed her terribly.

My third Ah Hah! moment was when I was in a very bad car accident. I came out of it with minor injuries. But when you are hit with a HUGE pick-up truck and it spins you around 180 degrees and you are told "if there had been a passenger in the back seat or in the front passenger seat they would probably have died" you tend to evaluate things in your life. Which is what I did. The wind had been knocked out of me and I was sitting in my car looking in the rear view mirror, because it had been moved so that it faced me. My first thought was that I was going to die - what I was doing was going into shock. I called upon God and asked that I not die. I hadn't talked or thought about God in years. My son was going to turn 3 and I so wanted to be there and see him grow up. I begged God to let me live. After the accident I changed my life completely because I knew that something was missing and I wanted to find it and I knew I had to do something to find what that something was. That led to my fourth Ah Hah! moment. The moment when I dropped to my knees - broken and crying I confessed and totally asked God into my life. Not really knowing what that actually meant.

Major Ah Hah! moments are not always drastic things that happen like a loved one dying or an accident. I think mine were because I am so stubborn and thick headed that God needed to really smack me upside the head. I've had smaller Ah Hah! moments too though. Little epiphanies that just bring the world more into focus. Sometimes if you slow down enough and just listen they will happen. Like getting up early in the morning and watching the sunrise or just on the way home while stuck in a traffic jam. Sometimes they start with slowing down and listening and sometimes they just are so impatient that they pop up when you least expect them.

I think everyone has these moments. The key is to recognize them. Listen to them. They are meant to change your life. Sometimes you have to just take that first step and be brave. Braver than you have ever had to be. Sometimes it's just something that you hold onto until the right moment happens. They are opportunities. A helping hand that appears when you have stumbled. Sometimes you are even that helping hand to someone that has an Ah Hah! moment. And if that is the case then you may be having another Ah Hah! moment yourself and not even know it.

State v. God

www.offthemark.com

I'm sure everyone at some time in their life has rolled their eyes over something. I tend to do it when I think something is ridiculous. It's a bad habit I have and I have tried to stop. However, the article that is linked here has rekindled my "rolling of the eyes" syndrome.

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers sued God last week. Senator Chambers is suing God because he wants to prove how easy it is to have a frivolous lawsuit. Or so he says. If you read the article you may sense a hidden agenda. In the lawsuit, Chambers says that God has made terrorist threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.”

The funny bone in me can't help but wonder a few things. What address did the copy of the lawsuit go to? Did the envelope come back address unknown or undeliverable? If God is subpoenaed is it legal if he swears upon himself? Is the bailiff really going to ask God to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Would God ask Satan to be his attorney, since he is so good at the whole manipulation thing? What courthouse would be able to hold God? What would a jury of his peers look like? Would the judge be jealous because God's robes are brighter? If witnesses are called do they have to go over and touch God and swear that they will tell the truth? What are the damages that the plaintiff is asking for?

Anyway, let's forget about the time and money that is being wasted to prove this point and dig deeper into what this might really be about. Here is a man who is lost. Who does not understand. I see him as a lost soul. Anyone who can just come out and sue God in my opinion needs help. Not only with a psychiatrist but also a spiritualist. He needs to be witnessed to, he needs to be brought in the fold and shown the true power and love of God. He needs to be shown the way.

Let's be honest. This lawsuit isn't about the legal process or lack of, this is about a man who is angry. A man who can't see past his sin, a man with no faith. To me that is worse than any frivolous lawsuit. That is the statement I take away from this article.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20827350/

September 11

Michael and I talked with Patrick yesterday about 9/11 and how there is still so much fear regarding this day and how some of his classmates are thinking about this day with fear. The only thing that came to me were words that were not my own. So, the only thing that I could do was to borrow.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)

"You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety... But the eyes of the wicked will fail, and escape will elude them; their hope will become a dying gasp." (Job 11: 18, 20)

But beyond not trying to have fear is to have hope...

"Replace the numbers 9/11 with the message of hope of 3:16" (Max Lucado http://www.maxlucado.com/)

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." (John 3:16-17)

Invisible Faith

In the business world, when you want to work with a client or a contractor, reputation is a key factor on who you choose. You may never have seen this company or person, but you've heard about them. Whether or not they have a good work ethic, how they handle their business, etc... If the information that you've heard about him/her has been favorable and they are highly recommended you will usually make that leap and hire them. It is a common business practice.

On the same note, only personally, if you've heard good things about someones friend or family member, you go into the relationship with a higher expectation that the person is what people say he/she is. In addition, if a meteorologist/weather person says that there is a 90% chance of rain, you can believe that it is going to rain somewhere in the zone that they say it is.

Taking it a step further, when a person breathes or feels a breeze - they don't question that there is air and that it is moving. We take for granted that there are molecules and other microscopic organisms running around us and yet we have never seen these organisms. We also take for granted our history. I have never met Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, Ivan the Terrible or Michelangelo - yet I have been taught that they existed. As a reasonable person I am expected to believe that we were on the moon and that nothing happened at Roswell.

It comes down to faith. Who do we believe? Who do we trust? What do we put our faith into? Faith is defined as a confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea or thing. Faith is a belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence.

So, why is it so hard for people to have faith in a God that loves us, that created us? Why is it easy to believe that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland but not that a loving God came to earth and died for our sins so that we could be reunited with our Father? Why is it easier to believe that you can do a love spell on a person or that a horoscope says that I am going to be receiving money this week? Why is it so easy to have faith in flawed ideas and people and yet turn away from something that is so perfect and beautiful?

Is it so different to say that I believe that I am breathing a colorless, odorless, gaseous mixture, mainly nitrogen (approx 78%) and oxygen (approx 21%) with lesser amounts of argon, carbon dioxide, neon, helium and other gases than it is to say that I believe in a God that I feel but have never seem? I don't think so. I know each exist because I have faith. I know each exist even if you don't have faith. Proof of existence is not the most reliable way of deeming whether or not you should believe in something. It takes faith.

For those of you who need proof - you believe in the scientists when they describe what is in the air you breathe and yet you do not believe in scholars or other proof that Jesus and God exist. You are lacking in faith. Which in my opinion is a horrible way to live. I encourage you to take that step, research if you have to, but take that step. Even if it's a baby step, it is one step closer to something that is better than air.

Small vs. Mega

January of this year I made a decision to start looking for a new church. I was unhappy with the church that I was going to and felt that I needed something different and more. I had stopped making the effort of getting out of bed and going. But I didn't do much research or make much of an effort. After awhile I felt guilty and I ignored it and just gave in to the "what if I can't find the church that I want". I want - that is funny in its own right. Yes my opinion counts but it is not necessarily where I am most comfortable in being, it is where I can learn the most and be part of something that is bigger than I am. I did some research but I let laziness get the better of me and didn't do anything about my feelings about the church that I was going to. My son, Patrick, stopped wanting to go too after he was baptized. He didn't fit in, he wanted to learn about Jesus and the bible and all they ever ended up doing was talking about football or something else or just playing the games in the teen room. He never felt that he took anything away with him when he left. Which was how I felt as well, but we weren't really sure what to do about it.

The church we were going to is a Mega church. Some people are fine and do well in an environment where there are a lot of people. I find it impersonal and often felt lost. Intimidated as well. It felt so crowded to me. In addition I felt like I was beyond the baby stage of my Christianity. I didn't want to be spoon fed mush I wanted something that had substance. Again, many people are fine with this kind of worship and are at different stages in their walk. For me, I just kept leaving wanting more.

Several things happened at this church that finally moved me so that I knew I could not go back. Not just a difference of opinion or of me being comfortable, but a lack of biblical teaching and a lack of honor and honesty. Thankfully I have good friends who took the search of looking for a new church to heart as well as mind. That brought me to the church that we have been going to since July. This church is small, yet has so much heart. I do not feel lost or like just one of the attendees. I feel like I am home. The Pastor is not a performer trying to tell me about the bible or about God and Jesus. He is living it, studying it, sharing it. It is not just about bringing in new people and getting them saved, it is also about feeding the people that are already there. No one is left behind, no one is expected to just listen. It is not watered down so that you feel comfortable and you get it in small bits. You are held to a higher accountability. "This is the Word, read it, learn it, live it, share it." If you don't understand, then ask - not go research it yourself.

I'm not just in a sea of faces, I have a personal identity again. Meet and greet doesn't scare me like it used to because I am not just standing there in a sea of people that I have never met and may only see every once in awhile if I go down the right hallway - I have been grabbed and hugged and told how wonderful it is to see me. Again, this is me - I like the more personal aspect of church. I also like being able to study and listen and get in depth in the Word. It is not about what other people say about the Word, or what is new and hip in the Word. It is ONLY about the Word, what it says, what it means, how it is relevant to today and to me.

For me I have to say I think Mega churches just try and do too much and forget about the people that they are actually trying to get to. They have such good intentions but I think it is easy to stray from that once you start going mega. Now having said that I'm not sure all mega churches have that problem, and I am sure not all small churches have all the answers either. Some small churches are stagnate and have no growth because they too have lost what they once had. I can only relate my experience and what I have witnessed. I am more comfortable and have a burning desire to learn and be taught more and more. I look forward to Wednesday's and Sunday's like I haven't in years. I am not just a face in the crowd, I am part of something and am "hooked in", like I wasn't before. So for me I will take the smaller church over the mega church for learning and growing and for feeling and being apart of something.

Smoking

First let me begin with I have never smoked. I never thought it was a good idea and found it to be disgusting actually. I didn't like the smell and seeing the filters at the end covered in this brown stuff was gross. Both of my parents smoked since they were teens. My Dad especially had yellowish brown fingers where he had held his cigarettes for years. So to make a long story short - didn't like so didn't do.

Now over the years I have been a small advocate for non-smoking. I won't allow smoking in my car or my house - I have to breathe there so I should be in control. However, in public places I have always considered both sides. It has always been my thought that each individual no matter what the cause has a right to make up there own mind. I will share my side and I must admit debate and bring up reasons why they should be swayed to my side, but I don't force my opinions on other people. Since I don't smoke I would sit in non-smoking sections, I would often avoid places that were mostly smokers. If I was driving in a smokers car then I would ask to have my window down.

Now having said all that I must admit that a non-smoking world is quite attractive. I would enjoy not walking into smoke filled areas or smelling it on the clothes of smokers. Not to mention the equality of not having people take smoke breaks all the time while I am still working. BUT, I have to say some of these new laws and rules seem very over the top.

The building that I work in sends out memos regarding where smokers can and can not smoke. They regulate it because the smokers were standing in front of the building and when you walked in there was smoke everywhere. I thought that was fine, appearances and all. Plus to be honest it benefited me. I understand the no smoking in the parking garage because of all the fumes. But yesterday they sent out a memo stating that smokers were not allowed to smoke on or around the benches in the front of the building, that there was a designated area for them off to the side of the front of the building. They want them clustered in front and upside of the building but off to the side. Wouldn't it make more sense to get them further from the building where the smoke could go up and not hover. Why can't the smokers have a place to sit down and talk - why do non smokers have extra privileges. It seems so dictatorshippy (I know it's not a real word). Smokers have a lot of sanctions against them and seem to be just letting them take over. I hear loud and clear all of the non smokers complain - but rarely hear a smoker complain. Ok, I know it is an unhealthy habit, I know it is bad for them, I know the risks to other people. BUT, I also know that this is America and everyone should have equality. I mean a McDonald's double cheeseburger isn't healthy either but I don't see anyone grouping those people and putting them in a corner. Personal Responsibility people - not to mention that just because some people complain about something doesn't mean that you have to stop thinking and take away other peoples rights. I see this whole thing getting out of hand. Once you restrict one section, then who is next? Cheeseburger eaters, nose pickers, people who snore, people who chew gum, people who listen to music at work, people who wear crosses. At some point this is going to go to far. We need to stop being so sensitive and stop thinking that we are the beginning and end. There are other people in this world who are just as important as we are and should have the same rights and same consideration as we think we should have as individuals.

I'm not saying there shouldn't be rules that benefit the opposition. Yes the smokers shouldn't be right in front of the building, but forcing them to stand the whole time seems wrong. Don't let them get comfortable and they may stop. NOT! Have you ever met a smoker, they are killing themselves slowly with poison, taking a bench away is not going to stop them. They are a very resilient group. Yes designate smoking areas, but let's not punish someone for a bad habit.

Fingerprints

Before I started my first year in college, I worked at a daycare center. I had to get fingerprinted so that I could work with children. When I began to student teach I had to be fingerprinted again. My fingerprints became part of my record that any law enforcement agency could access. When I first became a parent there were always booths or flyer's about getting your child fingerprinted to have them on record in case something happened. Often I see on those reality crime shows, how sometimes it's a fingerprint (whether full or partial) that points to the culprit.

The interesting thing to me about fingerprints is that no-one has the same pattern, not even identical twins. It amazes me how swirly, different and utterly unique fingerprints are. Like many people I only think about fingerprints when it comes to crimes or leaving them on the wall or some other surface that needs to be cleaned. But, the other day I heard this song on the radio about God's fingerprints and it made me think a little different.

We are totally covered in God's fingerprints. Inside and out. He has touched each of us whether we realize it or not. I was thinking that the heart would have the most fingerprints. Like when we touch silly putty or paint. Only these prints wouldn't slowly fade away - they would be there forever. People who can not believe or see God have those fingerprints and don't know it, don't feel it - it is such a shame. Over the past few days I have stopped to visualize several times about seeing fingerprints on my heart - when I look they are there like on the silly putty, but when I don't look they seem to disappear. But I know they are still there, even though I can not see them. I feel them.

It's a personal touch that I know my Lord has graced me with. Everything about me personally, mentally and physically my God has touched. Not a rough touch, not grabbed, but lovingly caressed. And since we are such an in-sight, visual, I have to see it to believe it people - I think this inner picture is missed most of the time. We just go about daily existing and not reaching or searching for our Father. We are such a limited people that we sometimes can not grasp something that is so easy to understand. We are NOT alone, we are NOT forsaken, we are NOT an accident. We are children of a living, loving God. "I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful , I know that full well." Psalms 139:14.

Thank you Lord, for touching me personally. For loving me so much that you touch me every day. Thank you for the awareness and insight to see that I am so truly blessed to be a child of God.

Worn

I was looking out the window in the living room this morning and I took a good look at my couch. Even though it is only 4 years old, it is well worn. From cats to children to just watching tv. It has scars from the cats stretching their claws, it has stains from who knows what and it is worn just from the small amount of time it has existed in our home.

This morning I really identify with this couch. Even though I am not old, I feel old. I have scars where people and life have come through, I have stains on me from things that I have done and things that have happened in my life and to me. And I just feel worn. Not worn out - just well used. I'm not sure that I can explain it any better than that. Over the last few days I have mentioned that I wish that I had a better vocabulary, a better way to speak what I feel. Like a writer who brings you into the story and you see and feel what the main character is going through. I don't express myself very well.

This deep down feeling just exists whether I share it or explain it. I don't know where it came from, I just know that it is here. This worn, used, old feeling. Like some antique item that has lived so long and has some history and it shows in every nook and cranny of the item. That's me today. An antique that needs to sit in the corner and not be used because it is fragile and old and something may happen to it. With that I guess comes the need to be well taken care of and loved so that it does not fall apart or crack. Cause well that would be bad.

Baseball

People who know me well know that I love baseball. I grew up with my Mom watching the Mets on tv at every opportunity she had. When we moved to Florida I bought her cable for one mother's day so that she could get the New York channel that would air the Mets games. I grew up listening to the history and the values of the game.

When Florida got the Marlins I was ecstatic. I still loved the Mets but I could have my own team. I've been through the whole ups and downs with the Marlins - from the World Series to the selling off of the team, to the "we need our own stadium" mantra that management keeps trying to sell. It saddens me that there are so few die hard fans in Florida. Those are fans that stay whether it rains, is hotter than a furnace, whether they are winning or losing. Loyalty. Honor. Determination. Being there until the end. What baseball means or meant in the past.

Unfortunately, so few things are the same in the current baseball legacy. It seems that manners are gone and so is responsibility and honor. I grew up on stories about Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Jackie Robinson, Hank Aaron and Reggie Jackson to name a few of the greats. Not that these men were perfect they had their issues - drinking, women, anger. But today's players seem small compared to the larger than life players of the past.

Mostly I am speaking regarding the Barry Bonds issue of breaking Hank Aaron's home run record. Barry broke it yesterday - he has hit 756 home runs in his career. A career that has been riddled with doubt, skepticism and rumor. Has he done drugs? Has he used steroids? Compared to the great man Hank Aaron who hit 755 home runs on his own, dealing with prejudice not only from the fans but from other players. A man that as far as I know a scandal has never been attached to his name. I have heard him speak and I have heard testimony about him and he seems like a genuine, honorable man that did amazing things. Now compare him to Barry Bonds. It saddens me that the record had to be broken by someone who has such a reputation. It saddens me that he is compared and considered in the rank of Hank Aaron. I do not deny that he has broken the record and is a very good baseball player. But baseball is not just about the individual it is about the spirit and the tradition.

If this is what the tradition and the spirit is going to be like in baseball - then I pray for our country and our youth who follow and mimic what they think are heroes. God help us.

Perspective

In church service yesterday, Heather, the niece of the Pastor, spoke about her trip to Africa. After receiving $3000 in donations from the church she was able to go with her college group. Once they arrived in Cape Town they split into 3 groups. Her group went to Mozambique. They visited a sponsored church and met the Pastor. He rides his bike daily, 17 miles from his home to the church and an additional 14 miles from the church to the school. They were able to get him a motorbike. At the school, the administrators asked for school uniforms for the children that attended the school. The reason behind this was that the uniform is a sort of status symbol. They take much pride in being able to attend school. It also help with self-esteem when everyone is wearing the same clothes and shoes and are not dressed in rags. They needed to raise over $2000 and accomplished just that.

When it was time to go back to Cape Town they visited squatter camps. These camps are where people live in little huts made from whatever scrap material they can find. In one camp there was over a million people. Heather was told that 1/2 of that population has AIDS or is HIV positive.

My thoughts went to myself and to America. How selfish and spoiled we are. Metro Nashville has enforced a dress code for its schools and parents and students are all complaining because they can't wear what they want to wear. Yet children in Mozambique are just happy to have clothing let alone the status symbol of being able to go to school. School as a status symbol - not a chore not a pain - but something that shows that they are working hard and are becoming more. Not flashy jewelry or cars just hard work to get an education so that they can help their family and themselves. I'm sure they don't expect certain things to be given to them just because they think they deserve them.

In addition to school and clothes there are people who are happy just to have a roof, even if it is cardboard, over their heads. They may not live to see another day because they might die. They live in squalor, poorer than poor. And yet the .70 cents I just spent on Oreo cookies is not something that they are familiar with. Any extra money would have been saved for something important like bread or milk. These people don't wonder if they have time to grab a snack before Dancing with the Stars comes back on.

Heather's intent was to educate us on the conditions over there and what was accomplished by donating the money that sent her over there. All I could do was think how spoiled and selfish I am. Now I know that was not the point of her presentation, but somehow I felt like Marie Antoinette when told that the peasants were starving "let them eat cake".

I truly am blessed more than I realized. I have always been thankful for everything that I have but not only should I feel thankful, I needed to realize that I am truly blessed.

I am truly blessed to have a used 1997 car, I am blessed to live in an apartment that is big enough for me and my family. I am truly blessed to be working and receiving payment for that work. I am truly blessed that I can wake up in the morning and have a choice of what to wear and a choice in what I have for breakfast. I can drive to work and complain about the traffic and the crummy drivers that cut me off or complain when I am in line and the cashier is too slow.

Most of all I am blessed to know that my God loves me even though I am selfish. My God gave me a brain to see things, including that I need to be less selfish and more giving and loving to the people out there that may or may not know of his wonderful grace.

Drama

What do you do with a person who is so into the drama in their lives that they don't even see it? What do you do with a person that is so into self destruction? What do you do with that person that you love?

I have tried everything that I can think of too help. I have teased, cried, yelled, laughed, prayed, etc... Nothing changes. These people are liars and tell me to my face that they will change that they don't like their life, that they will take control and stop doing whatever they are doing. A dawning of realization has hit me - they are more in control than I thought they were. They want it this way. They want the attention, they want the drama. They will go so far as to kill themselves inwardly just to get the drama and attention.

Life is more like a soap opera than one might think. I know people that live lives like they were in a soap opera. These people would rather have pain, suffering in their lives than to have a quiet stress free existence. Why? Why would one choose to be like that, to have a life like that. In their quest, don't they realize what they are doing to themselves and the people around them. I find in my life that these drama kings and queens are selfish and though they pretend to care about others they really don't. So why do we care about them? Why do I feel the need to save them from themselves and the drama? Why do I care when they don't? Why do I always feel like I want to smack them upside the head like that V8 commercial?

By being angry and frustrated I know I am adding fuel to the drama. Yet I can't help but be angry and helpless at the people I love who are such pains! It just so frustrates me to think sometimes that they are beyond help. I know they are not - I know that they are only beyond MY help. So I hope. I pray. I cry. Nothing is beyond His reach or His understanding. All things are possible. So I hope. I pray and I cry.