Depression

It's hard to describe depression. Sometimes it is so heavy that you can't breath. Sometimes it just feels like something swirling around you. Other times it is just something in the back of your mind nagging at you.

I have depression. Looking back I can see certain periods in my life when it consumed me. I was still functioning and most people probably didn't notice because it was something I kept well hidden. Even from myself. I can look back and see those periods and recognize what it was. For example I can remember at least 2 occasions when I could not get to sleep unless the room was pitch black. I covered windows in several blankets and in one instance surrounded my bed totally in blankets as well. These seasons of depression did not last long and were the only sign at the time that I was depressed. During the day I don't remember being very different. I still functioned and life moved on.

Lately though I have noticed that it has been bad at times. Depression is like a very heavy blanket - kind of like those lead blankets that they use when you are having an x-ray. It weighs you down. Sometimes I notice the blanket and can function very well. I just ignore it. Those are the days when I have more will power I think and can force myself up and out. I can lift it off of me on my own. Other days I don't notice it as much and it weighs me down. It takes control and I seem to just be along for the ride. Depression is like a needy child. It always needs attention.

Lately it seems to be a daily thing though. Not just coming and going, but always there in my peripheral vision. A daily fight that sometimes I win and sometimes I don't. Some days it feels like a swirling mass inside of me and I can almost see the blackness surrounding me. It smothers me and makes it hard to breathe. Other days the swirling mass is still there but it is not so much a whirlpool as just a little flow or current.

This morning I woke up and it is lighter today. I don't know what is so different about today. Things seem brighter right now. It's a constant battle though. I can feel the depression sitting and waiting for an opening. I have to be vigilant on not just a daily basis but an hourly basis. If I let it get a grip it is hard for me to let it go. I have to keep my thoughts focused on not thinking about it, not letting anything add to the weight. If I give up an inch it starts to take control again. Problem is that sometimes I don't know that I am giving in and before I know it I have hit the bottom emotionally and all things seem lost. I sit there for awhile and then I start to climb out. Although lately it doesn't seem like I get totally out. I get away enough that things start getting better emotionally but I can still feel the weight wanting to pull me down.

It does almost seem to have its own being, its own existence. Like some phantom that always hangs around. It's a type of possession. Not other worldly. More like swimming. When your in the water and you decide to swim under the water. You hold your breath and go in. It feels just like that moment when you almost run out of air and you charge to the top and let that large breath of air out. That pressure that your lungs feel in wanting to breathe. That is depression.

I've tried some medicine that is for my fibromyaglia, because depression makes it worse, so the doctors have given me some medicine to handle both. One made me suicidal and the other made me loose a month and a half of my life. I have to go back to the doctor and see what else he has for me. That seems to be a gamble too. I need something that will give me my life back without all those nasty little side effects.