Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Simple Observations
1. People who sit at the front of the bus tend to be more social than the people who sit at the back of the bus unless it's a school bus and then the back is better.
2. Saying "What else could go wrong" is an open invitation for something else to go wrong.
3. Smoke, even a tiny puff, coming from under the hood of your car is not good.
4. Neighbor children are always worse than your own child.
5. Just because you have checks does not mean you have money.
6. There will always be traffic if you are in a hurry.
7. Someone will always know more than you.
8. Quiet time means something different to everyone.
9. Not all blondes are dumb and not all brunettes are smart.
10. Teenagers increase your electric, water and food bills exponentially.
11. Elevators are not fun to get stuck in unless you have snacks and good company.
12. Gas prices always go down the day after you buy gas.
2. Saying "What else could go wrong" is an open invitation for something else to go wrong.
3. Smoke, even a tiny puff, coming from under the hood of your car is not good.
4. Neighbor children are always worse than your own child.
5. Just because you have checks does not mean you have money.
6. There will always be traffic if you are in a hurry.
7. Someone will always know more than you.
8. Quiet time means something different to everyone.
9. Not all blondes are dumb and not all brunettes are smart.
10. Teenagers increase your electric, water and food bills exponentially.
11. Elevators are not fun to get stuck in unless you have snacks and good company.
12. Gas prices always go down the day after you buy gas.
Friday, August 15, 2008
New Office Policy
EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
5 Years and counting
The darling hubby and I have been married for 5 years. We had planned on going out to dinner, just the two of us. However, after freshman orientation and hearing about the $80 calculator and all of the other school supplies that we will need and spend money on for our darling son, we decided to spend a quiet evening at home. We are going to have salad, steak, mashed potatoes and some cupcakes for dessert. Then we are going to watch some tv - we might even rent a movie. Ooooooo!The traditional gift for 5 years of marriage is wood and the modern gift is silverware. So basically we are going to share a twig and a spoon. Of course now that I am thinking about it - we could combine the two and have a wooden spoon. Hmmmm. The possibilities.
Love you honey. Happy 5th!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
People say what?
There are just some days when you have to admit that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed and you need to avoid as many people as possible so that you don't have an altercation. Today is one of those days. Don't know why - I slept ok - but for some reason things are just annoying me today. I'm all agitated. Anyway - here are just a few annoying things that people say that adds to the agitation.
Let's be frank
Ok, first off I'm Wendy, I don't want to be anyone else and certainly not some guy named Frank.
Can I pick your brain?
Uh no - yuck. This reminds me of the Indian Jones Temple of Doom movie where they are served monkey brains. Ewwww.
Are you busy?
Now lets be honest. You can't say yes even if it is true and you can't say no because then they wonder what you're doing. This is kind of a no win situation. Which is why I think boss' learn this at boss' training.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Usually this does not end well. It usually means you're in trouble for something or they want to give you more work. Look out if they pull you aside from the group - then the fight or flight defense kicks in.
I need a favor
Demanding much! What happened to asking? Now I have said "Will you do me a favor?" but I know the limit of what the favor should be. Some people do not. By definition a favor is an act showing a gracious, kind, or friendly attitude. Now depending on how big this favor is depends on how gracious, kind and friendly the person will be. If you come and demand - well then the gracious, kind or friendly attitude may be on vacation that day.
And last but not least...
Some changes need to be made or There shouldn't be too many changes
Doom. Everyone say it together - DOOM. Now I'm not saying that all change is bad - I mean the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes. But for some reason change in the work place usually means DOOM. As individuals we can adapt - but when you get us in a work environment and put us with other people - look out. It goes back to the whole work place is an alternate universe/dimension theory that I have.
Let's be frank
Ok, first off I'm Wendy, I don't want to be anyone else and certainly not some guy named Frank.
Can I pick your brain?
Uh no - yuck. This reminds me of the Indian Jones Temple of Doom movie where they are served monkey brains. Ewwww.
Are you busy?
Now lets be honest. You can't say yes even if it is true and you can't say no because then they wonder what you're doing. This is kind of a no win situation. Which is why I think boss' learn this at boss' training.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Usually this does not end well. It usually means you're in trouble for something or they want to give you more work. Look out if they pull you aside from the group - then the fight or flight defense kicks in.
I need a favor
Demanding much! What happened to asking? Now I have said "Will you do me a favor?" but I know the limit of what the favor should be. Some people do not. By definition a favor is an act showing a gracious, kind, or friendly attitude. Now depending on how big this favor is depends on how gracious, kind and friendly the person will be. If you come and demand - well then the gracious, kind or friendly attitude may be on vacation that day.
And last but not least...
Some changes need to be made or There shouldn't be too many changes
Doom. Everyone say it together - DOOM. Now I'm not saying that all change is bad - I mean the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes. But for some reason change in the work place usually means DOOM. As individuals we can adapt - but when you get us in a work environment and put us with other people - look out. It goes back to the whole work place is an alternate universe/dimension theory that I have.
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