Perspective

In church service yesterday, Heather, the niece of the Pastor, spoke about her trip to Africa. After receiving $3000 in donations from the church she was able to go with her college group. Once they arrived in Cape Town they split into 3 groups. Her group went to Mozambique. They visited a sponsored church and met the Pastor. He rides his bike daily, 17 miles from his home to the church and an additional 14 miles from the church to the school. They were able to get him a motorbike. At the school, the administrators asked for school uniforms for the children that attended the school. The reason behind this was that the uniform is a sort of status symbol. They take much pride in being able to attend school. It also help with self-esteem when everyone is wearing the same clothes and shoes and are not dressed in rags. They needed to raise over $2000 and accomplished just that.

When it was time to go back to Cape Town they visited squatter camps. These camps are where people live in little huts made from whatever scrap material they can find. In one camp there was over a million people. Heather was told that 1/2 of that population has AIDS or is HIV positive.

My thoughts went to myself and to America. How selfish and spoiled we are. Metro Nashville has enforced a dress code for its schools and parents and students are all complaining because they can't wear what they want to wear. Yet children in Mozambique are just happy to have clothing let alone the status symbol of being able to go to school. School as a status symbol - not a chore not a pain - but something that shows that they are working hard and are becoming more. Not flashy jewelry or cars just hard work to get an education so that they can help their family and themselves. I'm sure they don't expect certain things to be given to them just because they think they deserve them.

In addition to school and clothes there are people who are happy just to have a roof, even if it is cardboard, over their heads. They may not live to see another day because they might die. They live in squalor, poorer than poor. And yet the .70 cents I just spent on Oreo cookies is not something that they are familiar with. Any extra money would have been saved for something important like bread or milk. These people don't wonder if they have time to grab a snack before Dancing with the Stars comes back on.

Heather's intent was to educate us on the conditions over there and what was accomplished by donating the money that sent her over there. All I could do was think how spoiled and selfish I am. Now I know that was not the point of her presentation, but somehow I felt like Marie Antoinette when told that the peasants were starving "let them eat cake".

I truly am blessed more than I realized. I have always been thankful for everything that I have but not only should I feel thankful, I needed to realize that I am truly blessed.

I am truly blessed to have a used 1997 car, I am blessed to live in an apartment that is big enough for me and my family. I am truly blessed to be working and receiving payment for that work. I am truly blessed that I can wake up in the morning and have a choice of what to wear and a choice in what I have for breakfast. I can drive to work and complain about the traffic and the crummy drivers that cut me off or complain when I am in line and the cashier is too slow.

Most of all I am blessed to know that my God loves me even though I am selfish. My God gave me a brain to see things, including that I need to be less selfish and more giving and loving to the people out there that may or may not know of his wonderful grace.

Drama

What do you do with a person who is so into the drama in their lives that they don't even see it? What do you do with a person that is so into self destruction? What do you do with that person that you love?

I have tried everything that I can think of too help. I have teased, cried, yelled, laughed, prayed, etc... Nothing changes. These people are liars and tell me to my face that they will change that they don't like their life, that they will take control and stop doing whatever they are doing. A dawning of realization has hit me - they are more in control than I thought they were. They want it this way. They want the attention, they want the drama. They will go so far as to kill themselves inwardly just to get the drama and attention.

Life is more like a soap opera than one might think. I know people that live lives like they were in a soap opera. These people would rather have pain, suffering in their lives than to have a quiet stress free existence. Why? Why would one choose to be like that, to have a life like that. In their quest, don't they realize what they are doing to themselves and the people around them. I find in my life that these drama kings and queens are selfish and though they pretend to care about others they really don't. So why do we care about them? Why do I feel the need to save them from themselves and the drama? Why do I care when they don't? Why do I always feel like I want to smack them upside the head like that V8 commercial?

By being angry and frustrated I know I am adding fuel to the drama. Yet I can't help but be angry and helpless at the people I love who are such pains! It just so frustrates me to think sometimes that they are beyond help. I know they are not - I know that they are only beyond MY help. So I hope. I pray. I cry. Nothing is beyond His reach or His understanding. All things are possible. So I hope. I pray and I cry.

Personal Journey - 3 steps back

Well the personal journey has taken a hard turn. I have felt that I should call my brother and speak with him. I have not spoken to him in over 4 years and I don't know that he knows that I moved to TN. Things were left very strained the last time we saw each other. He doesn't like my husband and he blames me for him not being there when our mom died. 2 weeks after my son was born she fell and broke her pelvic bone. She was put in the hospital and because she was bleeding internally they took her off her blood thinning medicine. Which caused a severe stroke and she died hours later. The last I had heard from the doctor was that she was ok so that is what I told my brother that he didn't have to hurry. She died hours later. So because I told him not to hurry he missed a chance to say goodbye.

Since this whole forgiveness thing has been knocking on my door, I have had the feeling that I needed to call him and forgive him for the things that were said and how he made me feel. Problem is that I have not mustered the courage to give him a call. I need to forgive him but he does not have to forgive me and I am afraid of the hurt that might happen if I call him. I have tried for two days and can not gather the courage to give him a call. I want to call but I can't seem to gather enough strength. I just don't want the hurt to continue or get worse.

I have to trust in God that things will go ok - but he does not promise us no pain or suffering - so whatever happens - happens for a greater purpose. I just have to let go. I have a real problem with that.

Hypocrits & Forgiveness - Part 2

Hypocrisy - The practice of expressing feelings, beliefs, or virtues one does not hold or possess.

Forgiveness - To excuse for a fault or offense. To renounce anger or resentment.

These are the dictionary definitions of hypocrisy and forgiveness. The bible also has several passages regarding hypocrisy and forgiveness. One should never be done and one should be done all of the time. To be honest at the weeks have passed I am more concerned with the latter. I need to forgive - that is more important than what I have perceived has been done to me. Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

It is hard to explain and hard to understand but we are not to judge other people if they have sinned against us we are supposed to forgive - even if it is up to 70 times 7.

What is ironic is that this whole thing has brought up other painful memories of other betrayals from family and friends. Which I think made me overreact - all that extra baggage from the past. But forgiveness goes with love which means that we are supposed to forgive and love people that hurt us. That is so easier said than done. What that means is that I have to show love and forgiveness not only to the people from my old Sunday school class but from my family as well. Insight and smack in your face reminders this past month have been really been well in my face.

So I have to give forgiveness. Oye conviction. This may take awhile - I have quite a few people to forgive between family and other people. I feel a personal journey coming on. Oye I hate self awareness. Well I guess personal journey here I come...

Hypocrits & Forgiveness - Part 1

For the past few weeks I have been, let's say compelled, to think about being hypocritical and about giving forgiveness. I sent a harsh email out to some people that had hurt me and I was angry, so I called them hypocrites, and now I feel guilt. People tell me that I dwell too much on what people think about me and maybe I do. But this is how I feel, I feel that I was harsh and even though I was angry and I do think that some of those people are hypocritical, as a Christian and a child of God I should have given forgiveness. Ever since I sent the email out I have been nudged by daily reminders that I should forgive as God has forgiven me. And when I say daily reminders I mean daily reminders. It is amazing how pesky little epiphanies are and how annoying they can be. Like those little no-see-um bugs flying around and bugging you. Years ago when I was a non-believer I could get away with little temper tantrums and venting for no reason to anyone or just be cranky if the mood struck me - no little hints that I was wrong, no little nudges to my brain that maybe I went overboard. It was no mercy and take no prisoners - woman on the rampage. Can I do that now - No. Can I just have a little temper tantrum with no guilt - No. Can I be mean for just one moment - No. Can't I just pretend that I was totally right and everyone else was out to get me and they were wrong - No.

Conviction - it's a powerful thing, annoying, but a much needed powerful thing. Oye! So having said all that, I am supposed to and need to give forgiveness - but I think I also need to ask for forgiveness. Which of course brings in the whole pride thing and submission. I'm not very good at that submission thing. I try - don't get me wrong, I do try. However in my defense I was brought up to be a strong, self-sufficient, equal rights, I want my fair share kind of woman. Forgiveness is not really in that "world of me" attitude. I know I know it is not all about me - I get that. Really I do - the problem is that my inner child has had that temper tantrum and just wants to play with her toys and forget about the whole issue. I say problem because the woman, Christian woman, has to do some hard self searching and some apologizing AND I'm not sure how to go about doing that.

4 Years & Counting

Well it has been 4 years since we moved to TN. I moved here even when I had never been here. Crazy. My friend Diana said "It is so nice up here", "The people are so nice up here", "It hardly ever snows up here". Ok so she was right. Of course she never mentioned the freezing cold - but anyway... Moving from South Florida was a hard decision. I had lived there for over 20 years and it was all that my son knew. I was working in a great job as the assistant to a director at Humana and had seniority, good money and good benefits. Still I wasn't happy. I had no family -well that would talk to me anyway. I lived in a nice apartment that I liked but the neighborhood worried me, especially with my son growing older. I didn't want him to be surrounded by the gangs and all of the negative things that were and are going on in S. FL. I was unhappy but really didn't have the money or the courage to do anything about it.

Humana was going through layoffs and I was told by my boss that it wouldn't effect me. An idea popped in my head and for the first time since I had become a Christian I gave it all over to God. I did some research about Middle TN and I prayed. The day before I had to make a decision I was praying in the car at a stop light when a song by Ginny Owens came on - "If you want me to." In the song it says "I will go through the valley if you want me to." I had read the night before that Middle TN was in a valley. I felt a calmness and I knew what I had to do.

I went to my boss and asked to be laid off. From then and until we moved it all flowed and came together and everything that needed to happen happened. It truly was amazing. So here I am 4 years later where God wanted me to be. I love it here. The people, the scenery, the history, my friends, my job.

So it has been 4 years. Not all good but not all bad. It's just home.