Families - your own personal hell

In every family there is someone who is the glue. They are the ones that know everything about everyone in the family. Secrets, likes, dislikes, the old family history, the recipes and everything in between.

In most families it is a mother or a grandmother, in my family it was my mother. I have noted not just in my family but in others that when this person, this rock dies or is dying, things start to fall apart for some families. This is when all of the dirty laundry is rehashed and released. Feelings of inadequacies, hurt, disappointment, jealousy, etc... are all brought to the surface and eventually bubble out in all of the pain that is associated when a loved one dies. At times why does adversity bring out the worst in people? Why can friends get passed emotional situations better than family members sometimes? In the pain in the loss of a loved one why do some families just fall apart and others continue on as they were?

Part of it I think is that the family really was not as functional as it appeared on the surface. I know with my own family as I look back, there were jealousies and things that were swept under the rug when they should have been brought into the light and dealt with. The human element is such a strange, difficult thing to understand. As individuals we are so complex that even though we can say we feel someway and even think we feel that way - when a tragedy occurs we totally act a different way. On the surface we go about our business and act like we are supposed too as a family member and maybe without even knowing it something is building inside that eventually has to burst.

Sometimes it's because that glue is gone and the person that was keeping everything together is gone and we know that things will never be the same. It's difficult to actually determine why we do what we do at times. I know that there are many professional theories and I am sure that many discussions have been conducted. I personally have theories and have formed my own opinion. Actually I have studied and given much thought to the reason behind the behaviors at a persons death. Mainly because of my own experience.

The emotional situation is sometimes so difficult for people to bear that they find a way to let out the emotional barrage that they are feeling and it is easier to take it out on a loved one. For the most part, the family member will still love you and will still stick around and take your attitude and sometimes even come back for more no matter how much it hurts. Why? I think, because they too have an emotional investment in the relationship and will either want to make things right, turn the other cheek or give as good as they got. Sometimes all depending on the stage and what they have at stake.

Even as the years have changed and the definition of family has changed - people for the most part have a picture of what family is and that "blood is thicker than water". In our minds we think that we are forever stuck with our relatives and there is nothing that we can do to change that or them. Which for the most part is true. Changing human nature is almost impossible. We know this and still we hope and still we try. That is also human nature. For the most part we look at any given situation and study it and see how we can make it better, how we can fix it. The harder the odds the harder we try. The closer the family member the harder we try. Human nature needs to be loved, to be close with other people, we need that interaction. We crave companionship and family is the first thing we recognize in our search because it is the first thing that we were introduced to. Family is the first thing that is ingrained in our brains whether it was there or if it was absent, whether we reach our for it or not. It is imprinted and thus will always be there and will be something that will always be important and will always be used as a tool and a weapon by other family members because it is something that they too fear and know that it can be used even if it is only on a subconscious level. I think most people are not even aware of what they are doing or even the hurt that they are causing - they just see what the blinders that they have unconsciously put on will let them see. They only see what they feel and what is going on in their minds. They have not reached the awareness of other people. I don't want to say that they are selfish but in a way they are. They see their hurt and what is going on with them and what they observe without regard to other people and that they too have feelings and that things are not always as you perceive them. Again human nature. Most people do not reach that self awareness and the awareness of other people. They have compassion but no empathy. Which in truth not only affects their families but other people. One of the main reasons that the human race is where we are today. We may have sympathy but empathy is not alive and well for most of the population.

Anyway, the gist of these ramblings seems to me to be in the age old saying "You always hurt the ones you love." More so if they happen to be a family member. Something that unfortunately will never change. Families like churches are their own worst enemies at times.