Cuts Like A Knife

One of the differences between girls and boys is how they handle stress, conflict and emotion. Usually (not all of the time), girls tend to send things internally and let them fester until they can't take it anymore and it overflows. When this happens girls will yell, scream, cry, get cranky, etc... A few girls send it even more internally - so deep that it hurts so much that they think they just want to cut it out and hurt themselves.

I used to be like that in high school. I had friends who had a lot of problems or at least more so than me. I didn't think that they would listen or that what I was feeling was worse than what they were going through at the time. I always had to be there for them and take care of them. I still have that feeling towards people that I consider my friend. In addition, my mother did not believe in depression or things being that bad in my life because of all that she had been through in her life. Being older and in her 60's I don't think she remembered what it was like to be a teenager full of hormones and stress and all of the other stuff that goes through a teenagers mind. So when I was younger I would internalize everything and put on a happy face. Being sad or depressed was just not an option.

I look back and realize that this is something that I do even now. Something I learned and have carried with me. Back then though we didn't have blogs and all I had were my journals. Full of anger, pain, sadness, happiness and the whole range or emotions that teenage girls have. I also did not have the promise or hope that I have now in God. By the time I was in 11th grade I internalized so much that I would cut myself to make the hurt be on the outside. I don't know that I did it to get attention, I don't think so anyway. It was more of an expression of anger and pain that I wanted to get out rather than trying to have someone notice me. I started on my ankle and cut myself with a safety pin. I kept digging and digging into my flesh even after I had drawn blood. Days later I moved onto my hand and used a paper clip that I had at school and sat in class and cut my left hand under my thumb. As time passed I made more small cuts, but the small amount of release that I found was not making me feel any better. I moved onto my left arm and cut my forearm. Again using a paper clip, I cut the letter C into my arm and then realizing that someone would see it, I continued to cut my arm until it was a large box shape. The euphoria and guilt I felt in thinking that someone would see it gave me such a rush. I know that sounds strange but in cutting myself I felt better in a weird way - it lessened the internal pain and brought it out to the surface. I told my mom that I just had scratched a bite with my nails and that was that. Until I had red streaks running up my arm because it was so infected. When I saw the doctor he recognized what it was and what I had done. He told my mom what he thought and they asked me (more like a "I know what you did and we want the truth" kind of thing). I told them a watered down version and was told not to do anything that stupid again. Now being afraid of my mom - I stopped doing any serious cutting. But now and then I would do little bits where I knew she wouldn't see. Thankfully, I was more afraid of my mom than any pleasure that I might have gotten from cutting myself. I did continue through the rest of my time in high school and years into college. I hid it well and in places I knew only I would see. If anyone did see it, I would just blame it on scratching too much or whatever. I finally stopped on my own about two years before I graduated. I think it was because I was concentrating so hard on my studies and working at the same time that I found other outlets. Those will probably be another blog (they are part of something else).

The reason I guess I am bearing my soul is that lately through work I have been around a lot of teenagers. Not just my own but others as well. Cutting is something that is making news and is popping up in discussion, so it has been on my mind lately. I don't know if girls are doing it more or if adults are just catching on that it is going on. Speaking as a girl that used to be a teenager, parents and adults can be pretty clueless sometimes - even when it is staring them right in the face. I don't know if it is because they just want to trust their children, students or if they are in denial or if it is something else.

The problem is though - as adults we can not let ourselves fall into those safety zones of denial or obliviousness. If I see something and even if I don't think it is something serious it might be better for me to ask than ignoring and then have a girl suffer through the consequences of something that at the least could be painful and at the most could be deadly. I am thankful that what I did to my body was small considering what I could have done if I had gone further. I think in a small part it had to due with getting caught and being faced by my doctor and my mom even though it was a small intervention. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you know a girl and she seems like she has it all together and she seems strong and she seems like her world is together - please check beneath the layers - use a microscope if you have to - but look. Look for marks, letters, names. Anything that has been written in pen on her arms, legs, hands, etc... Watch those areas and see if scratches show up "accidentally".

Don't yell, don't panic. Give love and understanding and if that doesn't work, get help. Friends, nurses, pastors, youth pastors, etc... Even if she doesn't think it's a big deal.

https://mercyministries.org/aspstore/p-51-cut-mercy-for-self-harm.aspx