Scrooged

It has not been a secret that I have been in a major funk as of late. It goes back many months. I have been depressed, cranky and have felt so angry at everyone and everything. I don't know if I would call it a trial (a very LONG trial) or if I have just made mountains out of molehills. It has gradually gotten worse in the last month or so. Money has been a major issue as well as home issues, work issues, car issues, children issues, health issues, etc... I have felt like that game Jenga. If any other piece were to get taken away I would just totally collapse. I am on that precipice and am teetering on the edge.

Well after another banner week at our household - wondering how we are going to afford things and then my car decides to have electrical issues so I miss 2 days of work and having to pay for that to get fixed and many other things - I come into work this morning feeling miserable and cranky and find at my desk a bag full of fattening goodies, a Christmas card, a gift and a Kroger gift card from Santa. Ok, yes I started to cry. After wondering where the money was going to come from to get food for the rest of the month until I get paid and just plain feeling sorry for myself - I come in and am treated to such an amazing thing. Even though these gifts are from my co-workers, I know that they are truly from God and I am SO not worthy.

I lost faith in God and let darkness envelope my heart and truly had given up hope. Belief in something is not the same as having faith. I came partially out of the funk last Sunday when I went to the Christmas Cantata at our church. The song "Heart of Worship" really hit me because it was what I should be singing.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the things I've made it
When it's all about You
All about You, Jesus

Of course that lasted me a day and I went right back into the depression - but it did begin the process of softening my heart and making me remember. But, being the stubborn person that I can be... I needed another kick in the pants. I was reminded this morning that this time of year is not about me and what I do or do not have. Which isn't what I thought it was - I was focusing so much on what we didn't have that I forgot what we do have. More important than material things I have a Lord that loves me and provides for me even though I am VERY selfish and not worthy.

So with all of my heart - I'm sorry, Lord, for things I've made it. It's all about you and I should have remembered that. Thank you Lord for reminding me.