Families - your own personal hell

In every family there is someone who is the glue. They are the ones that know everything about everyone in the family. Secrets, likes, dislikes, the old family history, the recipes and everything in between.

In most families it is a mother or a grandmother, in my family it was my mother. I have noted not just in my family but in others that when this person, this rock dies or is dying, things start to fall apart for some families. This is when all of the dirty laundry is rehashed and released. Feelings of inadequacies, hurt, disappointment, jealousy, etc... are all brought to the surface and eventually bubble out in all of the pain that is associated when a loved one dies. At times why does adversity bring out the worst in people? Why can friends get passed emotional situations better than family members sometimes? In the pain in the loss of a loved one why do some families just fall apart and others continue on as they were?

Part of it I think is that the family really was not as functional as it appeared on the surface. I know with my own family as I look back, there were jealousies and things that were swept under the rug when they should have been brought into the light and dealt with. The human element is such a strange, difficult thing to understand. As individuals we are so complex that even though we can say we feel someway and even think we feel that way - when a tragedy occurs we totally act a different way. On the surface we go about our business and act like we are supposed too as a family member and maybe without even knowing it something is building inside that eventually has to burst.

Sometimes it's because that glue is gone and the person that was keeping everything together is gone and we know that things will never be the same. It's difficult to actually determine why we do what we do at times. I know that there are many professional theories and I am sure that many discussions have been conducted. I personally have theories and have formed my own opinion. Actually I have studied and given much thought to the reason behind the behaviors at a persons death. Mainly because of my own experience.

The emotional situation is sometimes so difficult for people to bear that they find a way to let out the emotional barrage that they are feeling and it is easier to take it out on a loved one. For the most part, the family member will still love you and will still stick around and take your attitude and sometimes even come back for more no matter how much it hurts. Why? I think, because they too have an emotional investment in the relationship and will either want to make things right, turn the other cheek or give as good as they got. Sometimes all depending on the stage and what they have at stake.

Even as the years have changed and the definition of family has changed - people for the most part have a picture of what family is and that "blood is thicker than water". In our minds we think that we are forever stuck with our relatives and there is nothing that we can do to change that or them. Which for the most part is true. Changing human nature is almost impossible. We know this and still we hope and still we try. That is also human nature. For the most part we look at any given situation and study it and see how we can make it better, how we can fix it. The harder the odds the harder we try. The closer the family member the harder we try. Human nature needs to be loved, to be close with other people, we need that interaction. We crave companionship and family is the first thing we recognize in our search because it is the first thing that we were introduced to. Family is the first thing that is ingrained in our brains whether it was there or if it was absent, whether we reach our for it or not. It is imprinted and thus will always be there and will be something that will always be important and will always be used as a tool and a weapon by other family members because it is something that they too fear and know that it can be used even if it is only on a subconscious level. I think most people are not even aware of what they are doing or even the hurt that they are causing - they just see what the blinders that they have unconsciously put on will let them see. They only see what they feel and what is going on in their minds. They have not reached the awareness of other people. I don't want to say that they are selfish but in a way they are. They see their hurt and what is going on with them and what they observe without regard to other people and that they too have feelings and that things are not always as you perceive them. Again human nature. Most people do not reach that self awareness and the awareness of other people. They have compassion but no empathy. Which in truth not only affects their families but other people. One of the main reasons that the human race is where we are today. We may have sympathy but empathy is not alive and well for most of the population.

Anyway, the gist of these ramblings seems to me to be in the age old saying "You always hurt the ones you love." More so if they happen to be a family member. Something that unfortunately will never change. Families like churches are their own worst enemies at times.

Dear Lord

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now Father for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Today Lord, I specificaly ask that you please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. Strengthen me to give the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those that don't believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that you, God change people and you, God change things. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them.

In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Give me the dream

I had the most interesting dream, well I'm not positive it was a dream, but that is what I will call it for now.

It started with me waking up with a very unusual feeling. I felt like something had woken me up. As I laid there I felt an overwhelming feeling that Jesus was with me. I felt so close to Jesus, he was with me and it was such an overwhelming presence, it filled my every pore. I also felt like the second coming was coming, coming at any moment. With the feeling that Jesus was with me I also had a sense of fear. I laid there waiting for the trumpets, waiting and thinking about seeing the face of Jesus. I was on edge waiting for it to happen. But I had that sense of fear. That sense that it was going to happen and I was going to miss it. But the fear was more than that. It was a fear of God. I'm not sure how to explain that. I know everyone has had a time when they have had fear or have been scared. This was more than that and so different but yet it was fear. A fear of being that close, a fear of losing that closeness. But, even though I had fear I also had such peace.

It's hard to explain feelings to someone unless they can identify with them, because they have felt the same thing. They can sympathize but not empathize. It is hard for me to find the words to explain what I was feeling. It felt so real, more real than any dream I have ever had. That is what makes me think I was awake and it wasn't a dream. I remember rolling over and thinking about the trumpets. Then I think I went to sleep. The peace and the sensation has stayed with me all day.

Pass the Cake

One of my favorite Christmas cartoons is Frosty the Snowman. Every time he comes to life he says Happy Birthday. It reminds me each time I hear it about how joyful it is to be re-born.

I was re-born 9 years ago today. I was totally broken. I had hit my bottom. I got on my knees beside my bed and cried uncontrollably. I spoke out loud and confessed my sins and said that I could not live this life or go on without help. I finally asked the Lord to forgive me. It still amazes how instantly I felt better. I had a calmness that I had never felt before.

It has not been an easy 9 years. Not at all. But, my faith has kept me out and through difficult situations. I have made my share (and more) of mistakes and have stumbled in my walk. Yet, there have been times in the last 9 years where I have felt such an overwhelming presence, so close to me, that my heart and soul could only be described as overflowing. I know more and am more a child of God than I was in the beginning. I’m not quite the baby in Christ I was, but I am not fully the woman that I think I should be. I know God is working on me and the journey at the very least will be interesting.

So I am proud to say that I am 9 years old today and I have received the best present that anyone could ever want or need. So pass the cake.

Visiting Downtown Nashville

Our first field trip since my friend Cheryl and her daughter Katie moved up here was to downtown Nashville. We spent the day visiting Fort Nashboro, the Schermerhorn Symphony Center for their Free Music Day, Farmers Market, Bicentennial Mall and then we ended the day by having a picnic dinner outside of the Parthenon.

FYI

For more information or help to understand please go to:

http://www.kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/mental_health/cutting.html

Cuts Like A Knife

One of the differences between girls and boys is how they handle stress, conflict and emotion. Usually (not all of the time), girls tend to send things internally and let them fester until they can't take it anymore and it overflows. When this happens girls will yell, scream, cry, get cranky, etc... A few girls send it even more internally - so deep that it hurts so much that they think they just want to cut it out and hurt themselves.

I used to be like that in high school. I had friends who had a lot of problems or at least more so than me. I didn't think that they would listen or that what I was feeling was worse than what they were going through at the time. I always had to be there for them and take care of them. I still have that feeling towards people that I consider my friend. In addition, my mother did not believe in depression or things being that bad in my life because of all that she had been through in her life. Being older and in her 60's I don't think she remembered what it was like to be a teenager full of hormones and stress and all of the other stuff that goes through a teenagers mind. So when I was younger I would internalize everything and put on a happy face. Being sad or depressed was just not an option.

I look back and realize that this is something that I do even now. Something I learned and have carried with me. Back then though we didn't have blogs and all I had were my journals. Full of anger, pain, sadness, happiness and the whole range or emotions that teenage girls have. I also did not have the promise or hope that I have now in God. By the time I was in 11th grade I internalized so much that I would cut myself to make the hurt be on the outside. I don't know that I did it to get attention, I don't think so anyway. It was more of an expression of anger and pain that I wanted to get out rather than trying to have someone notice me. I started on my ankle and cut myself with a safety pin. I kept digging and digging into my flesh even after I had drawn blood. Days later I moved onto my hand and used a paper clip that I had at school and sat in class and cut my left hand under my thumb. As time passed I made more small cuts, but the small amount of release that I found was not making me feel any better. I moved onto my left arm and cut my forearm. Again using a paper clip, I cut the letter C into my arm and then realizing that someone would see it, I continued to cut my arm until it was a large box shape. The euphoria and guilt I felt in thinking that someone would see it gave me such a rush. I know that sounds strange but in cutting myself I felt better in a weird way - it lessened the internal pain and brought it out to the surface. I told my mom that I just had scratched a bite with my nails and that was that. Until I had red streaks running up my arm because it was so infected. When I saw the doctor he recognized what it was and what I had done. He told my mom what he thought and they asked me (more like a "I know what you did and we want the truth" kind of thing). I told them a watered down version and was told not to do anything that stupid again. Now being afraid of my mom - I stopped doing any serious cutting. But now and then I would do little bits where I knew she wouldn't see. Thankfully, I was more afraid of my mom than any pleasure that I might have gotten from cutting myself. I did continue through the rest of my time in high school and years into college. I hid it well and in places I knew only I would see. If anyone did see it, I would just blame it on scratching too much or whatever. I finally stopped on my own about two years before I graduated. I think it was because I was concentrating so hard on my studies and working at the same time that I found other outlets. Those will probably be another blog (they are part of something else).

The reason I guess I am bearing my soul is that lately through work I have been around a lot of teenagers. Not just my own but others as well. Cutting is something that is making news and is popping up in discussion, so it has been on my mind lately. I don't know if girls are doing it more or if adults are just catching on that it is going on. Speaking as a girl that used to be a teenager, parents and adults can be pretty clueless sometimes - even when it is staring them right in the face. I don't know if it is because they just want to trust their children, students or if they are in denial or if it is something else.

The problem is though - as adults we can not let ourselves fall into those safety zones of denial or obliviousness. If I see something and even if I don't think it is something serious it might be better for me to ask than ignoring and then have a girl suffer through the consequences of something that at the least could be painful and at the most could be deadly. I am thankful that what I did to my body was small considering what I could have done if I had gone further. I think in a small part it had to due with getting caught and being faced by my doctor and my mom even though it was a small intervention. I guess what I am trying to say is that if you know a girl and she seems like she has it all together and she seems strong and she seems like her world is together - please check beneath the layers - use a microscope if you have to - but look. Look for marks, letters, names. Anything that has been written in pen on her arms, legs, hands, etc... Watch those areas and see if scratches show up "accidentally".

Don't yell, don't panic. Give love and understanding and if that doesn't work, get help. Friends, nurses, pastors, youth pastors, etc... Even if she doesn't think it's a big deal.

https://mercyministries.org/aspstore/p-51-cut-mercy-for-self-harm.aspx

Pushing 40

Well, it is time to let the realization hit me. I am going to be 40. I'm not sure what 40 feels like, but I have to say I am not feeling it. Not that I'm upset over it or dwelling, but it seems like something that needs to be dealt with. Kind of like that moldy leftover food in the refrigerator.

My friend Cheryl turned 40 first (she's 3 months older than I am and I remind her every birthday). So, when my turn comes I will have someone to commiserate or celebrate with depending on how I take it when the time comes. The reason I say it like that is when I turned 30, I was depressed. It was hard for me to realize that I was at that age that I used to think was old and that I had not done many of the things that I had wanted to do by the time I reached 30. That reminds me I was going to stop making to do lists - well I guess forgetting things is the first stage.

Now don't get me wrong - I don't think I am a mass of decaying flesh that is just falling apart as I get older - of course now that I have said that it is going to be in my head for awhile. Anyway - I know that I am not as young as I used to be and am limited in what I can do and how long I do it. Of course the gray hair, that one little chin hair that is soooo annoying, the wrinkles around my eyes and mouth help with that I am getting older feeling. Yet I still get pimples every now and then. What's up with that!? Is that my body saying your old but yet your not old so don't get all worked up over it? Or is it just one of those things that are meant to keep us humble and have a sense of humor? I think it's both - I mean if you get older and don't have a sense of humor - well let's just say you'll be a very cranky, crabby person that the children on your street avoid at all costs (which if you think about it may or may not be a good idea - I'm on the fence about that one).

So, as I push 40 I guess I better get ready for all that comes and all that does not come with it. I'm not at that stage where I get to pay half price at movies or get a senior discount or social security or anything else like that. I'm in limbo. I'm at that age where I am too young to get any old people perks and too old to be considered young and hip (or funky fresh for you other old people). I am also at that stage where I seem to be looking back into the past and remembering more and more of the "good ol' days" and hoping as I go forward to have more "good ol' days".

One thing I know I am looking forward to is playing into the stereotype of the old person at times (not to often - cause well it might become a habit). I love the word whippersnapper and the stories of when gas was under a $1 and when I had to walk to school in a snow storm up hill both ways. Of course when I do that, if anyone hears any cracking noises or sees my teeth slip they need too just ignore it, pat my hand and nod their head at me like people usually do with old people. Oh and bring gifts, old people like gifts!

Pretty in Pink

In case you're not aware it's National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This program is dedicated to increase awareness of early detection. If you have breasts you probably already know this and for those of you of the male persuasion you may be wondering how and why this affects you. This disease can not only affect your wives, sisters, mothers BUT it can affect you. Not just in supporting and loving your family, but men can also get breast cancer.

Yes, male breast cancer is rare, and the overall incidence of breast cancer is 1.5 per 1,000, compared to 124 per 100,ooo in women and even though it sounds like a small number it roughly means 2,030 men will be diagnosed and about 450 will die (Susan G. Komen Foundation). Which is too many if early detection is the key.

For women it is much worse. Breast cancer remains the second leading cause of cancer deaths in American women. Again early detection is the key. Getting tested regularly for breast cancer is the best way for women to lower their risk of dying from the disease. Screening tests can find cancer early, when it's most treatable. 92% of breast cancers can be cured with early detection and prompt treatment (National Synchrotron Light Source).

It's not a case of embarressment or of being too busy. It's not even a good excuse to say that you forgot. There are video's online that show how to's, there are brochures, shower hanging how to's, etc... Get the word out - share the tools and information - help save another woman or man. Help save a friend or family member. And if all that doesn't convince you - how about saving yourself!

http://cms.komen.org/komen/AboutBreastCancer/EarlyDetectionScreening/EDS3-3-3?ssSourceNodeId=292&ssSourceSiteId=Komen

http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/about-breast-cancer/

http://www.nbcam.com/

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/breast-self-exam/WO00026/