Hypocrits & Forgiveness - Part 1

For the past few weeks I have been, let's say compelled, to think about being hypocritical and about giving forgiveness. I sent a harsh email out to some people that had hurt me and I was angry, so I called them hypocrites, and now I feel guilt. People tell me that I dwell too much on what people think about me and maybe I do. But this is how I feel, I feel that I was harsh and even though I was angry and I do think that some of those people are hypocritical, as a Christian and a child of God I should have given forgiveness. Ever since I sent the email out I have been nudged by daily reminders that I should forgive as God has forgiven me. And when I say daily reminders I mean daily reminders. It is amazing how pesky little epiphanies are and how annoying they can be. Like those little no-see-um bugs flying around and bugging you. Years ago when I was a non-believer I could get away with little temper tantrums and venting for no reason to anyone or just be cranky if the mood struck me - no little hints that I was wrong, no little nudges to my brain that maybe I went overboard. It was no mercy and take no prisoners - woman on the rampage. Can I do that now - No. Can I just have a little temper tantrum with no guilt - No. Can I be mean for just one moment - No. Can't I just pretend that I was totally right and everyone else was out to get me and they were wrong - No.

Conviction - it's a powerful thing, annoying, but a much needed powerful thing. Oye! So having said all that, I am supposed to and need to give forgiveness - but I think I also need to ask for forgiveness. Which of course brings in the whole pride thing and submission. I'm not very good at that submission thing. I try - don't get me wrong, I do try. However in my defense I was brought up to be a strong, self-sufficient, equal rights, I want my fair share kind of woman. Forgiveness is not really in that "world of me" attitude. I know I know it is not all about me - I get that. Really I do - the problem is that my inner child has had that temper tantrum and just wants to play with her toys and forget about the whole issue. I say problem because the woman, Christian woman, has to do some hard self searching and some apologizing AND I'm not sure how to go about doing that.