Games

Past: Remember Dodge Ball? I loved this game. I was rarely picked first, but never picked last. I was a good player, team player. I also loved to play field hockey. I was the goalie on my Elementary Schools team. We made it to the county finals in my last year at school. The team played wonderful together, but the other team was better. The camaraderie, teamwork and friendships were awesome.

Present: I am so angry and hurt, that I am having trouble forming the words. Over the years I have been hurt by many people: family, friends, co-workers, etc... Over the years I have learned to hold myself back because of all these hurts. Several of these hurts have come from people claiming to be Christians. I have learned that we are our own worst enemies. It's not the news, terrorists or any other factor - it is Christians deceiving and hurting other Christians. Where we should be an example to other people we are failing miserably. I have had better and more loyal friends in people who are non-Christian than Church going Christians. I have had more Christians judge me for things that I know nothing about or even just dismiss me for whatever reason that they have.

Within the last few years I have been going to a church that reminds me of high school. There are more cliques in this church than the high school I used to go to. If you do not fall within a certain clique (stay at home mom, mother of younger children, live a certain way, etc...) it is hard to find a place. I never feel more out of place than when I go to this church. High school was comfortable compared to this group. When I go I feel so out of place - like a visitor to a foreign country. The locals all know the dialect and customs and history and I am just visiting.

In all fairness I did not go as often as I would have liked. Partly because of the Fibro and partly because it seemed so hard to fit in. It always seemed like I wasn't a part of anything, I wanted to, but I always got the feeling that I didn't really belong. I was part of a group where only a few people acted liked they cared about me. I'm not sure if it is something that I have done or haven't done. I would be asked to go to someones house as part of the group for some function - but most of the time it was awkward to go without my husband. Awkward to go when almost everyone else was partnered off. Maybe because I didn't go that often they didn't want to get to know me. Not sure. All I know is that it is over and not one person has called or emailed me to let me know what is going on or anything else. I am part of the mass email that references changes and other things - but does anyone talk to me or ask me? The answer is No. I am left on the wayside.

Future: I wonder though how many other people in this group feel the same way. How many others are not in the cliques? How many other people have been forgotten and pushed to the side? Will we be able to find a place where we are taken for who we are and not have to conform to a group norm? Do we have to have all of this drama in church?

Either way - I think it is time to move on. This game is over and I really don't want to play anymore. I need something more challenging and more of a team. I need something that feels honest and not superficial. I need something more.

So - Game Over. Called on account of bad weather.