Hide & Sleep

I am tired. I get this way sometimes. Where all I want to do is hide and be left alone. I enjoy helping others, I like being the caregiver, I enjoy being needed. I can't seem to help myself though. I am so tired. Tired of always aching because of the fibro. Tired of always having to be on my toes so things get done - at home and at work. Tired of always having to be on guard, always having in my mind that things need to get done. Don't get me wrong I often let things go and don't take care of things in hope that they will miraculously get done by someone else. But they rarely do. I hope that others will care as much as I do but they never do. Things don't get taken care of unless I do something about it. Tired of always being nice, caring and helpful. Tired of just going day after day with things being the same. Tired of the pain, the achiness that the fibro does to me that some days I can hardly move or think straight. So tired. So wanting to give in to something inside of me that just wants to give up and run away. Whether in mind or spirit. I'm not a perfectionist, far from it. But something inside me has to see things get done. Has to take care of it, wants it to be done, over. Part of me hates the part that wants to give in, wants to just stop, wants it to be over. Wanting to hear the trumpets, to see the face of Jesus. To feel comfort in his arms, to feel the love, to feel that everything is done and I can just rest and not be in constant pain, to have that unconditional love. To be enveloped in the warmth, the light of everlasting love. A warmth that makes me not hurt anymore, a love that tells me that I am fine and will never have to worry again. A warmth like the sun - warm, healing, relaxing, restful.

Wheels Turning

I am in a hotel room in the middle of nowhere. Well technically I am somewhere. I am in Somerville, TN - which is a little northeast of Memphis. We have 2 trainings tomorrow and I am weary just thinking about them. Over the next month we are going to be having a total of 7 trainings - this is only 2 of the 7. Next week we will be in Jackson, then we will be in Cookeville and then we will be in Memphis for 2 days.

I used to love to drive. I got my learners permit the day after I turned 15. It was something that I so looked forward to. My mom and I used to travel every year to visit my brother in FL or visit her sister in NJ. I remember those trips with such love. I could get every truck driver to honk from NY to FL. Well when I was awake. We would leave at like 4 in the morning to get an early start. I'd fall back asleep as soon as we were on our way. I would wake up on our way out of NY and play with my dolls or read or color. I used to love looking at the scenery and all the places that were on the side of the road. Sometimes we would take back roads just to see all the different things - like fruit stands or mom/pop diners or just the strange touristy things that used to be on those back roads.

When I started to drive it was such a thrill because I thought of doing all those things with my children and just going. Anywhere, anyplace - just go. I have done that a little bit but it seems to be such a chore now. There is not much thrill anymore. I drive on these trips and I am so stressed by traffic and all those big rigs that are driving WAY to fast and all those people that are in such a hurry that they have to tailgate. It just stresses me.

I do try to look around and see the scenery but everything seems to be going away. Not to many mom/pop places or corny tourist attractions on the side of the road. It's sad really. Everyone has somewhere to go and that is what they do. They go from A to B to C and back to A again. No detours, no surprise stops, go in a straight line - just get where your going. And what is really sad is that I have become one of them. I don't take back roads in fear of having an accident or having car problems or getting lost or taking to much time. Like the song says "Life is a Highway".

Part of me wants it to be a back road though. Slower than 70, calmer, winding, less traffic. More stops - not just one continual journey. But, I have to make that choice and take control of the wheel and make it go where I want it to go. I think highways are inevitable but back roads are the actual journey that makes the whole trip worthwhile. Not only in driving but in life as well.

More

I am sitting in my room looking out the window & seeing what looks like is going to be a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the sky is blue and the birds are singing. It is not hot and the temperature will probably not get above 75. What could be considered a perfect day.

When I turn my eyes back to the room I see laundry, dust and stuff on the floor. This makes me think of other things that need to be done. Dishes, floors, more laundry, dusting, vacuuming, errands and other things. I also have work from my job that needs to get done this weekend because we have a big deadline this week and I am going to be traveling over the next month to 4 different locations in TN - of course none of which are close to each other. I heave a heavy sigh and think I am exhausted already and I haven't even made it out of my PJs.

But the birds are calling and the sun looks so inviting. How can a world that has such wonderful sights, sounds and smells be so cumbersome sometimes. Being an adult is so boring and troublesome and let's face it - sometimes it just plain STINKS. I remember Saturday mornings full of cartoons, playing outside with friends, riding bikes, pretending to be super heroes, playing tag, hopscotch, getting dirty, laying in the grass and staring up at the sky and just laughing. I remember being carefree and my heart being light and dreams of flying. But I have responsibilities and they are waiting.

The radio starts to play "Thank you Lord, How could I ask for more." Exactly! I am thankful for the laundry and the dust and all of the other chores that I have to do today. It means that I am alive and I can enjoy the other things as well. It means I have a family and am not alone, it means I have a place to live and am not on the street.

BUT - I think it also means that I am going to play while I can too. I'm thinking what I need is a walk and a good laugh. Which means the chores can wait a little while. I am going to enjoy what the Lord has given me and not ask for more. Thank You Lord!

Teenagers

I have one. Actually I will have a full fledged one in June. But the signs have been there for almost 6 months or more. Our family has entered into ... (scream) ... the teenage years.

He came to me last night interested in starting his own blog. Great I said but we will have to monitor it. Of course he did not understand that at all. And me being me felt that I should explain. Well after 10 minutes about trust and the evils in this world and the glazed over deer in the headlight look we are still no further than we were when he asked me if he could start his own blog.

Is it a breakdown of communication because of the women not understanding men/boys thing? Is it because my brain is not wired to thinking like a teenager anymore? Although I have been told that I can be very childlike - but cartoons notwithstanding... where does the communication breakdown? When did it begin? I know he listened to me when he was younger that is why he is still alive and not scarred for life (literally!) - but when did it happen? When did my wonderful sweet boy start to hear blah blah blah instead of real words. I know he has to grow up and I know that in doing that he has to break away from us to find himself so that he can be a productive worthwhile adult... BUT does it have to be such a winding uphill roller coaster ride for everyone!

I keep hearing from all of the experts that these years are the most difficult for both the child and the parent. That as they pull away from you, you as a parent have to not give in to the anger and pull away from them. No matter how spiteful, petulant and annoying they get. That what they need is love and lots of it until the roller coaster ride ends. Sounds easy right?

All I can say is that I think I am going to be wearing a new fashion for awhile - "The Deer in the Headlight Look" - available everywhere! Now, if only I can figure out how to market it I might be able to afford that cell phone my little teenager wants.

Please listen to Focus on the Family's program Teacher of the Year 1 & 2 regarding children & teenagers (have tissues close). http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Focus_on_the_Family/archives.asp?bcd=2007-4-16

The Beginning

Well - this is the beginning of my blog. Many of my friends have blogs and lately from different things that have been happening I have had an overwhelming need to vent and I have to say a personal journal is just not cutting it anymore. I can type as fast as my thoughts churn out.

I work in the government, I go to church, I'm married and have a child so that should get me going for at least the next couple of years.

I hope you will stay tuned!