When a child is lost, the first thing they do, before they cry, is to look around for their parent. They may wander aimlessly searching. They may even accidentally find their mom or dad or get help from a kind hearted stranger. Unfortunately a few are led away.
Some adults are lost as well. Some may find their way accidentally after wandering around for years. They wait for a kind person to help them but end up finding the way - as if miraculously. Others may not even know they are lost. Some may feel lost but cling to the first thing they see that will comfort them. They are impatient and want to be comforted by anything and everything. Drugs, sex, TV, work, hobbies, etc...
The ones that are helped by that kind person actually find that true comfort & peace when they find their Father. But, even more are led away. Sometimes they never hear about their Father or hear it just in passing. Some want to believe but find it hard to trust and hard to believe. They have been lost for so long that taking that first step is like taking a step off a building. They don't see the hand that is there to catch them, to hold them, to comfort them. It is a matter of trust and when you are lost that is hard to come by.
I was lost. I was in a pit. I had to get to the bottom of the pit before I started to ask questions about getting out of the pit - I was (and am) that stubborn. I wanted out of that pit in the worst way, but was scared to take that first step. The pit was awful but it was all I knew. In a weird way it was comforting, like a blanket, it was there all the time, I could count on it. I could see the light, but it just seemed so unreal, like a mirage. I started slow. I asked questions of a co-worker and listened to other people. I was invited to a single parent day at a church. No pressure regarding religion it was totally on helping the single parent. They had money classes, parenting classes, free daycare and lunch where other single parents shared their hardship and their salvation. It was one woman in particular that reached out a hand with out even knowing it. She shared how her life had been, how she had slept around, done drugs, had two children in the middle of all of this and then had met her husband. How he had shared his faith and love of God with her and wanted her to know that their was a love so deep that would forgive her of all of her sins and make her pure again. I didn't identify with her story we were very different and had taken different paths, but the sincerity and love in her voice when she spoke of Jesus and God so touched my heart. I couldn't go to the afternoon classes because I couldn't stop crying. I went home and cried my heart out that afternoon - without knowing it I prayed the sinners prayer. I can't explain how it felt to have that burden lift off of me. It was gone. I had such peace that I had never felt before. I was truly changed inside. It wasn't all easy - the people around me wanted me to be who I was before and I just couldn't go back. I didn't want to go back.
I am not perfect, far from it. I still get angry and I still make mistakes. The mistakes are not as bad as they once were and I owe that to my God, My Father. I know that I am loved, that I can come to him at anytime and confess my sins and ask for forgiveness. He will always listen, he will always care, he will always love me, he will always be there for me. For that unconditional love I want to be good, I want to be what he wants me to be. I am no longer lost, I found my Father and he holds on to me and will never let me be lost again. No fear, no pain, no loss ever again.
Matthew 18:14 "In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost."
You are a little one to him, you are his child and he does not want you to be lost. He sees you and calls to you, follow his voice and you shall be found. You will find peace, comfort and salvation from a loving Father. Just answer.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Nana Alley
My friend Cheryl and I have known each other since high school. It is hard to believe that it will be 25 years. We have gone through many things is those 25 years. In high school we became friends and found out that we had a lot in common. She was being raised by her grandmother and I was being raised by mine. That gave her an in with my mom (who was very very strict). She figured that Cheryl's Gram was just as strict - so we spent more and more time together. We went almost everywhere together. Sometimes Cheryl's Mom would visit. I always thought Nana and Cheryl had an interesting relationship. Nana wasn't around much. I'm not really sure where she was - but she wasn't around to raise Cheryl and her brother. She would show up every now and then and I thought that was kind of cool. Some of the things that I most remember are things that no-one else would let us do. She would drive Cheryl, Chuck and me down to Ft. Lauderdale strip when you were still allowed to cruise the strip. Cheryl and I would stick our heads out the window and yell and whistle at boys. She would give us advice about boys and life on those trips. She took us to my first restaurant/bar (I would call it a dive now). I had my first Shirley Temple and introduced to the whole thing that people actually drank alcohol (ok - I was really sheltered). Nana even let me drive her car. Her car was my first accident. I drove into a stop sign. She was a great older sister.
Later on she wanted to be more to Cheryl. She wanted to be a mom and it was hard at first for Cheryl but slowly it happened. Cheryl had her second child Katie and Nana became a grandmom. She became a mother and a grandmother overnight. She took on the role very well I think. She spoiled Katie and was there for Cheryl if she needed her help (which she did). Nana and her husband Bob lived in Maine but would come down to Ft. Lauderdale during season - they would see Cheryl and Katie as often as they could.
Nana had been sick for awhile with several different ailments. Unfortunately, she succumbed to them this past Sunday on Mother's Day. I was praying and hoping that she wouldn't die on Mother's Day. I thought it would be so hard on Cheryl and Katie for the future to have that hanging there on every Mother's Day. I still think it will be hard, but the more I thought about it the more I think that it is actually fitting. In my eyes - for a woman to start off as a big sister and wind up being a caring, thoughtful mother/grandmother to her daughter and grandchild is an amazing road. She took responsibility and fought for what she wanted and for what Cheryl and Katie needed. It had to have been a life changing moment and decision once she decided to take that step. I know it was not easy in the beginning. I know there was resentment at first in having someone all of a sudden decide that they want to be your mom and it took some time for Cheryl to actually act like it. She filled the role wonderfully though and didn't give up. She gave advice, warnings, love and support even when it was not always wanted. I know Cheryl and Katie are better off for having her in their life.
A wonderful woman, friend and mother is now gone. She will be terribly missed by all - for her love, friendship, support and the memories that we are lucky enough to have.
Later on she wanted to be more to Cheryl. She wanted to be a mom and it was hard at first for Cheryl but slowly it happened. Cheryl had her second child Katie and Nana became a grandmom. She became a mother and a grandmother overnight. She took on the role very well I think. She spoiled Katie and was there for Cheryl if she needed her help (which she did). Nana and her husband Bob lived in Maine but would come down to Ft. Lauderdale during season - they would see Cheryl and Katie as often as they could.
Nana had been sick for awhile with several different ailments. Unfortunately, she succumbed to them this past Sunday on Mother's Day. I was praying and hoping that she wouldn't die on Mother's Day. I thought it would be so hard on Cheryl and Katie for the future to have that hanging there on every Mother's Day. I still think it will be hard, but the more I thought about it the more I think that it is actually fitting. In my eyes - for a woman to start off as a big sister and wind up being a caring, thoughtful mother/grandmother to her daughter and grandchild is an amazing road. She took responsibility and fought for what she wanted and for what Cheryl and Katie needed. It had to have been a life changing moment and decision once she decided to take that step. I know it was not easy in the beginning. I know there was resentment at first in having someone all of a sudden decide that they want to be your mom and it took some time for Cheryl to actually act like it. She filled the role wonderfully though and didn't give up. She gave advice, warnings, love and support even when it was not always wanted. I know Cheryl and Katie are better off for having her in their life.
A wonderful woman, friend and mother is now gone. She will be terribly missed by all - for her love, friendship, support and the memories that we are lucky enough to have.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
I Remember Momma
"I Remember Mama" is one of my favorite movies. It is about a family in early San Francisco. The story is told by the oldest daughter - in trying to write a great story she finally writes about her mom.
In my journals I often wrote about my mom. Through the years I wrote about our fights, our misunderstandings, our joys, our disappointments, our sorrows and our time together. One of my favorite memories is when I was sick she would always let me lay my head in her lap and she would stroke my hair - I did that even into my 20s. I have a lot of good memories and I wrote about some of them a few posts ago. But unfortunately sometimes the bad memories overshadow the good ones. When I became a Christian I asked for forgiveness and know I have been forgiven. More often than not, knowing that I am forgiven eases the memories, sometimes though I still feel bad and guilty. I never asked forgiveness from my mom, she died before I could ask or even show her that all her love and hard work was worth it. I know she loved me and I know that she knew I loved her but I did not make it easy on her. I was rude, disrespectful and hateful sometimes. I disappointed her many times and blamed her for it. I lied to her often and cursed at her. I did things that were horrendous, that I have only told to God. Each time I knew I was wrong and each time I could see her face and knew that I had hurt her, yet I couldn't stop myself sometimes. She died 2 weeks after my son was born. Sometimes I think that she wanted to leave - I was beginning my own family and was taking on the mom role - I didn't need her anymore, so she left. I know that is selfish and it does not work that way. Sometimes guilt makes you think weird.
Mother's Day is tomorrow. I miss her, I love her and most of all I wish I could have told her all of that and more. I would ask for forgiveness and show her every day that I was the daughter that she deserved and wanted. That I have become the mom I am today because of her.
The song "Hurt" by Christina Aguilera totally says what I want to say.
"...would you tell me I was wrong, would you help me understand, are you lookin down upon me, are you proud of who I am, there's nothing I wouldn't do, to have just one more chance, to look into your eyes, and see you looking back. I'm sorry for, blaming you, for everything, I just couldn't do, and I've hurt myself by hurting you."
The goal of this post is to tell, remind everyone that your mom, your family is precious and you need to tell them that you love them, that they mean something to you and if needed ask for forgiveness before it is to late. You may never get that chance again and if that happens it will mean an ache in your heart that may never go away. Love, mercy & compassion are gifts from the Lord. As our Father he shows them to us every day, as his children we need to pass them on to others. These gifts are for sharing. I think that is the best present any mother could receive tomorrow.
In my journals I often wrote about my mom. Through the years I wrote about our fights, our misunderstandings, our joys, our disappointments, our sorrows and our time together. One of my favorite memories is when I was sick she would always let me lay my head in her lap and she would stroke my hair - I did that even into my 20s. I have a lot of good memories and I wrote about some of them a few posts ago. But unfortunately sometimes the bad memories overshadow the good ones. When I became a Christian I asked for forgiveness and know I have been forgiven. More often than not, knowing that I am forgiven eases the memories, sometimes though I still feel bad and guilty. I never asked forgiveness from my mom, she died before I could ask or even show her that all her love and hard work was worth it. I know she loved me and I know that she knew I loved her but I did not make it easy on her. I was rude, disrespectful and hateful sometimes. I disappointed her many times and blamed her for it. I lied to her often and cursed at her. I did things that were horrendous, that I have only told to God. Each time I knew I was wrong and each time I could see her face and knew that I had hurt her, yet I couldn't stop myself sometimes. She died 2 weeks after my son was born. Sometimes I think that she wanted to leave - I was beginning my own family and was taking on the mom role - I didn't need her anymore, so she left. I know that is selfish and it does not work that way. Sometimes guilt makes you think weird.
Mother's Day is tomorrow. I miss her, I love her and most of all I wish I could have told her all of that and more. I would ask for forgiveness and show her every day that I was the daughter that she deserved and wanted. That I have become the mom I am today because of her.
The song "Hurt" by Christina Aguilera totally says what I want to say.
"...would you tell me I was wrong, would you help me understand, are you lookin down upon me, are you proud of who I am, there's nothing I wouldn't do, to have just one more chance, to look into your eyes, and see you looking back. I'm sorry for, blaming you, for everything, I just couldn't do, and I've hurt myself by hurting you."
The goal of this post is to tell, remind everyone that your mom, your family is precious and you need to tell them that you love them, that they mean something to you and if needed ask for forgiveness before it is to late. You may never get that chance again and if that happens it will mean an ache in your heart that may never go away. Love, mercy & compassion are gifts from the Lord. As our Father he shows them to us every day, as his children we need to pass them on to others. These gifts are for sharing. I think that is the best present any mother could receive tomorrow.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Tagged
Well I have been tagged - so here are the rules and my 7: The rules are each player starts with seven random facts about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about the seven facts and rules. You need to chose seven people to tag and list their names. I know I won't have that many to tag that haven't been tagged already.
1. Right now I have blue toenail polish on and no polish on my fingers.
2. I have 1 husband, 1 child, 3 cats, 1 turtle & 1 fish.
3. I live in a 3 bedroom apartment and hope to move to a house soon. Anytime now. Sooner or later...
4. I like to crochet.
5. I drive a Jeep Grand Cherokee that needs to be washed very badly.
6. I have lived in Long Island NY, Hallandale FL, Davie FL and now TN. (Not all at the same time)
7. My favorite colors are blue and purple. Although as I grow older I am beginning to see the possibility of red being kind of nice too.
Tag your it now...
1. Right now I have blue toenail polish on and no polish on my fingers.
2. I have 1 husband, 1 child, 3 cats, 1 turtle & 1 fish.
3. I live in a 3 bedroom apartment and hope to move to a house soon. Anytime now. Sooner or later...
4. I like to crochet.
5. I drive a Jeep Grand Cherokee that needs to be washed very badly.
6. I have lived in Long Island NY, Hallandale FL, Davie FL and now TN. (Not all at the same time)
7. My favorite colors are blue and purple. Although as I grow older I am beginning to see the possibility of red being kind of nice too.
Tag your it now...
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The Good Memories
With Mother's Day coming up I have been remembering things about my mom that are both sad and happy. My birth mom (her daughter) could not take care of me because of having MS. So, my grandmother adopted me, after paying off my Dad to not fight the adoption. I have two brothers but I was raised as an only child because they lived with our Dad and his new wife. They are between 10 and 13 years older than I am. I don't know why she didn't take them in as well. Since I am not close with my brothers I may never know about that and other things that only they could tell me. So from the age of 3 my Grandmother was my Mom.
I do remember my mom loving to fish. She would take me to her favorite places to fish early Saturday mornings. We would bring sandwiches for when we were hungry and of course chum for the fish. She usually fished, I usually played with whatever was handy. I had a fishing pole but sitting and being patient was not something I was good at when I was younger. I remember one time she caught an eel and we brought it home and she was going to skin it when my older brother Corky (nickname she gave him) came by to visit. He was in his 20s and a marine, and had served in Vietnam. But, when he saw that eel on the table he screamed. Apparently he was scared of snakes - even dead ones. It was so funny to see this big grownup man yelp because of something so small. :-) Another time she had caught some blue-shell crabs in a crab trap and we were getting ready to boil them. For those of you who don't know, you have to boil them alive. Well, one did not want to be boiled so it jumped out of the pot and knocked over the others that were in a box onto the floor. So we had about 6 crabs crawling around the floor. Both my mom and I were on the chairs at the kitchen table because we had bare feet. My Dad had to come in and gather them up and put them back in the box. :-)
I have so many great memories from when I was young. We lived in a "mother-in-law" house on property owned by another family. My Mom had a garden in the back where she loved to grow tomatoes and cucumbers. I have never seen a tomato since, that is as big and red as those were in our backyard. My Mom also loved to sew. She used to make all of her dresses for when she and my Dad went out in the evening. He was a fireman and she belonged to Eastern Star so they went to a lot of parties. She would get her hair done, put on her pearl white nail polish, get all dressed up and wear perfume. She always wore Charlie. To this day if I smell that scent I think of her all dressed up ready to dance the night away.
She quit her job as a real estate agent to be a full time Mom to me at the age of 50. She made extra money by selling chocolate. She would start in January and mold chocolate for Easter. Dark, milk & white chocolate was in our house from the beginning of January till Easter was over. She did baskets full of chocolate figures, chocolate eggs that were decorated with icing, etc... She would make extra molds because she knew me and my Dad would sneak some - and if we did she let us know that she was not happy about it!
It's amazing all of the memories that come flooding back when I sit and just think back. I had a good childhood and a good Mom. She wasn't perfect, she made mistakes - but I think she did the best she could under the circumstances. Which I think is something that she taught me without knowing it. She taught me many life lessons and left me with a lot of good memories. Which is what a mother is for.
I do remember my mom loving to fish. She would take me to her favorite places to fish early Saturday mornings. We would bring sandwiches for when we were hungry and of course chum for the fish. She usually fished, I usually played with whatever was handy. I had a fishing pole but sitting and being patient was not something I was good at when I was younger. I remember one time she caught an eel and we brought it home and she was going to skin it when my older brother Corky (nickname she gave him) came by to visit. He was in his 20s and a marine, and had served in Vietnam. But, when he saw that eel on the table he screamed. Apparently he was scared of snakes - even dead ones. It was so funny to see this big grownup man yelp because of something so small. :-) Another time she had caught some blue-shell crabs in a crab trap and we were getting ready to boil them. For those of you who don't know, you have to boil them alive. Well, one did not want to be boiled so it jumped out of the pot and knocked over the others that were in a box onto the floor. So we had about 6 crabs crawling around the floor. Both my mom and I were on the chairs at the kitchen table because we had bare feet. My Dad had to come in and gather them up and put them back in the box. :-)
I have so many great memories from when I was young. We lived in a "mother-in-law" house on property owned by another family. My Mom had a garden in the back where she loved to grow tomatoes and cucumbers. I have never seen a tomato since, that is as big and red as those were in our backyard. My Mom also loved to sew. She used to make all of her dresses for when she and my Dad went out in the evening. He was a fireman and she belonged to Eastern Star so they went to a lot of parties. She would get her hair done, put on her pearl white nail polish, get all dressed up and wear perfume. She always wore Charlie. To this day if I smell that scent I think of her all dressed up ready to dance the night away.
She quit her job as a real estate agent to be a full time Mom to me at the age of 50. She made extra money by selling chocolate. She would start in January and mold chocolate for Easter. Dark, milk & white chocolate was in our house from the beginning of January till Easter was over. She did baskets full of chocolate figures, chocolate eggs that were decorated with icing, etc... She would make extra molds because she knew me and my Dad would sneak some - and if we did she let us know that she was not happy about it!
It's amazing all of the memories that come flooding back when I sit and just think back. I had a good childhood and a good Mom. She wasn't perfect, she made mistakes - but I think she did the best she could under the circumstances. Which I think is something that she taught me without knowing it. She taught me many life lessons and left me with a lot of good memories. Which is what a mother is for.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Musical
I love music and I love musicals. Sound of Music, Grease, White Christmas, etc... I have always identified with songs. A song will come out and it will express my feelings, my life, my mood, etc... at a particular time in my life. For example when I was deciding on whether or not to move to TN a song came on my car radio right after I asked for help. Songs have always been able to calm me, rile me, make me cry, make me smile or bring back memories.
So that is why I would really like just one day... just one day to be a musical. Just have people break into song at different times of the day and for different reasons. Wake up in the morning and sing a "Good Morning" from Singin in the Rain. Drive to work and sing on the freeway or maybe just hum "Speed Racer". When my boss asks me to do something - I could break out into a song, something by Frank Sinatra like "I did it my way." In addition there could be the "I found a good parking spot" song, the "I have to go to the bathroom" song or even the "What are we having for dinner" rap. It would be so great and funny. Can you imagine some of the people in your life all of a sudden breaking out into song. Your husband singing something by Toby Keith or your son/daughter singing "Money Money" at allowance time. I think my favorite during the day would be singing "Did I shave my legs for this". Yup - I think an all day musical is just what we need.
So that is why I would really like just one day... just one day to be a musical. Just have people break into song at different times of the day and for different reasons. Wake up in the morning and sing a "Good Morning" from Singin in the Rain. Drive to work and sing on the freeway or maybe just hum "Speed Racer". When my boss asks me to do something - I could break out into a song, something by Frank Sinatra like "I did it my way." In addition there could be the "I found a good parking spot" song, the "I have to go to the bathroom" song or even the "What are we having for dinner" rap. It would be so great and funny. Can you imagine some of the people in your life all of a sudden breaking out into song. Your husband singing something by Toby Keith or your son/daughter singing "Money Money" at allowance time. I think my favorite during the day would be singing "Did I shave my legs for this". Yup - I think an all day musical is just what we need.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Games
Past: Remember Dodge Ball? I loved this game. I was rarely picked first, but never picked last. I was a good player, team player. I also loved to play field hockey. I was the goalie on my Elementary Schools team. We made it to the county finals in my last year at school. The team played wonderful together, but the other team was better. The camaraderie, teamwork and friendships were awesome.
Present: I am so angry and hurt, that I am having trouble forming the words. Over the years I have been hurt by many people: family, friends, co-workers, etc... Over the years I have learned to hold myself back because of all these hurts. Several of these hurts have come from people claiming to be Christians. I have learned that we are our own worst enemies. It's not the news, terrorists or any other factor - it is Christians deceiving and hurting other Christians. Where we should be an example to other people we are failing miserably. I have had better and more loyal friends in people who are non-Christian than Church going Christians. I have had more Christians judge me for things that I know nothing about or even just dismiss me for whatever reason that they have.
Within the last few years I have been going to a church that reminds me of high school. There are more cliques in this church than the high school I used to go to. If you do not fall within a certain clique (stay at home mom, mother of younger children, live a certain way, etc...) it is hard to find a place. I never feel more out of place than when I go to this church. High school was comfortable compared to this group. When I go I feel so out of place - like a visitor to a foreign country. The locals all know the dialect and customs and history and I am just visiting.
In all fairness I did not go as often as I would have liked. Partly because of the Fibro and partly because it seemed so hard to fit in. It always seemed like I wasn't a part of anything, I wanted to, but I always got the feeling that I didn't really belong. I was part of a group where only a few people acted liked they cared about me. I'm not sure if it is something that I have done or haven't done. I would be asked to go to someones house as part of the group for some function - but most of the time it was awkward to go without my husband. Awkward to go when almost everyone else was partnered off. Maybe because I didn't go that often they didn't want to get to know me. Not sure. All I know is that it is over and not one person has called or emailed me to let me know what is going on or anything else. I am part of the mass email that references changes and other things - but does anyone talk to me or ask me? The answer is No. I am left on the wayside.
Future: I wonder though how many other people in this group feel the same way. How many others are not in the cliques? How many other people have been forgotten and pushed to the side? Will we be able to find a place where we are taken for who we are and not have to conform to a group norm? Do we have to have all of this drama in church?
Either way - I think it is time to move on. This game is over and I really don't want to play anymore. I need something more challenging and more of a team. I need something that feels honest and not superficial. I need something more.
So - Game Over. Called on account of bad weather.
Present: I am so angry and hurt, that I am having trouble forming the words. Over the years I have been hurt by many people: family, friends, co-workers, etc... Over the years I have learned to hold myself back because of all these hurts. Several of these hurts have come from people claiming to be Christians. I have learned that we are our own worst enemies. It's not the news, terrorists or any other factor - it is Christians deceiving and hurting other Christians. Where we should be an example to other people we are failing miserably. I have had better and more loyal friends in people who are non-Christian than Church going Christians. I have had more Christians judge me for things that I know nothing about or even just dismiss me for whatever reason that they have.
Within the last few years I have been going to a church that reminds me of high school. There are more cliques in this church than the high school I used to go to. If you do not fall within a certain clique (stay at home mom, mother of younger children, live a certain way, etc...) it is hard to find a place. I never feel more out of place than when I go to this church. High school was comfortable compared to this group. When I go I feel so out of place - like a visitor to a foreign country. The locals all know the dialect and customs and history and I am just visiting.
In all fairness I did not go as often as I would have liked. Partly because of the Fibro and partly because it seemed so hard to fit in. It always seemed like I wasn't a part of anything, I wanted to, but I always got the feeling that I didn't really belong. I was part of a group where only a few people acted liked they cared about me. I'm not sure if it is something that I have done or haven't done. I would be asked to go to someones house as part of the group for some function - but most of the time it was awkward to go without my husband. Awkward to go when almost everyone else was partnered off. Maybe because I didn't go that often they didn't want to get to know me. Not sure. All I know is that it is over and not one person has called or emailed me to let me know what is going on or anything else. I am part of the mass email that references changes and other things - but does anyone talk to me or ask me? The answer is No. I am left on the wayside.
Future: I wonder though how many other people in this group feel the same way. How many others are not in the cliques? How many other people have been forgotten and pushed to the side? Will we be able to find a place where we are taken for who we are and not have to conform to a group norm? Do we have to have all of this drama in church?
Either way - I think it is time to move on. This game is over and I really don't want to play anymore. I need something more challenging and more of a team. I need something that feels honest and not superficial. I need something more.
So - Game Over. Called on account of bad weather.
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